Vibrant Thang (Part I) *UPDATED*
Foreward: This next string of posts will be an interesting one. The dilemma of man vs. woman has taken up a strange precedence in my Life recently. Many are approaching me with relationship issues & interacting with me in the most unique ways.
The issues of love & attraction cannot be solved by Mind, Heart, or Body alone. Most people settle for one (sometimes two) or the other. I however am selfish and I want it all. And in that quest to find out how to achieve that.
Many things have become superficial. Worst part about it all is that it’s being glorified. Quick, fast, and easy over meaningful & significant. From social networking to relationships, true honest & genuine human interaction is becoming increasingly more difficult to come by. Everyone is becoming a McDonald’s of human interaction.
I’m discovering more often than not that it’s more of an energy thing. It’s not about solving the puzzles of attraction we all show to each other, healing some self-esteem issues, or fulfilling some carnal need. True connectivity is about really processing each other’s vibrations. In other words, it’s a Vibrant Thang.
My buddy came over again last night. We usually meet up a couple times a week if possible. Over the years he’s become quite the ally in various pursuits—intellectual, philosophical, physical, & creative. From dance peer, to workout buddy, to science nerd, to musical savant. What I admire about him is his undeterrable focus & relentless work ethic. But most of what I respect is his honesty—not just with me & others but with himself. He stays true to his highest pursuits. Not only is he a musical producer/DJ, but he’s also aspiring for a doctorate. Like me he strives to leave a larger impact on society…
Anyways, we were hanging out & I was relaying to him the fact that a lot of people have been approaching me with their relationship problems lately. Some people even crawling out of time & giving me blasts from the past. I told him lately that I’ve been tasked with giving out therapeutic energy & advice. My friend then decides to offer his thoughts up in the most superbly comedic manner:
I’m not gay or anything…but I haven’t met a single woman who wasn’t fucked in the head. That’s why I just avoid them all.
Hahahahahaha. Omg too funny.
I just don’t fucking deal with women anymore…pain in the ass—all of em. It’s like they save up all their crazy…and unleash it all over the hotel room
It’s like u see the tip of the iceberg, but there’s all this glacial shit under water waiting to gash your gash your Titanic wide fucking open. So I say avoid arctic waters.
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA!!! Gash your Titanic open?!? HAHAHAHA. Good lord. Too muuuch hahaha.
He eventually closes off his argument in a diatribe manner.
My relationship advice is just fucking avoid em, dude.
And that son, is why you don’t fuck girls.
Hahaha. hooooooooo boy. I told him that if he ever gives up his musical dreams, that he’d have a solid career in stand-up comedy.
But yeah, like me he filters & processes reality at a higher rate than most. His Mind is like a fine toothed comb & he can filter out when people are attempting to sway him. He is able to psychology assess interactions—everything from gesture, to words, to signs of mental activity—pretty much everything that people do during attempts to be socially engaging to one another. And from his vantage point he can see where & when others are attempting to goad thoughts, words, & actions out of him in order to amass some sort of self-comfort. And with that information he chooses the most appropriate path & course of action—he avoids it altogether hahaha.
Though I harness many of those same abilities to process interaction, I chose to step away from the extremely intellectual side of things. Not everyone to me is a psychological manipulator or basket case. And with regard to women—I don’t think they’re all secretly crazy either haha.
My neuroscience nerd/DJ of a friends offers even more insight.
There are studies that show that women are just biology different than men. Despite all this talk about men & women being equal, fact of the matter is that they’re just built differently. There’ve been trials that show that men are quite literally able to think of nothing. Whereas women constantly have thoughts, sensations, or emotions. They’re incapable of inactivity.
In other words, according to science—women are incapable of being crazy hahaha.
This is where science runs into its limits. Intelligence alone tends to add negative notions to certain factors of reality. In attempts to be sterile & fair, I believe it diminishes the true significance of certain facts of Life in some ways.
Well of course they’re built differently. Men and women are completely different beings on an energetic level. Their very frequencies of existence are different. Take vibrations/waves for example. Though it’s all energy, sound waves & light waves are clearly two very different entities right? It’s the same with people. You can’t quite compare. You can only hope to process & savor them.
To counter his argument, I offered him an adequate rebuttal:
It’s all just energy. Energies of consciousness & awareness. The ideal meditative state for masculine energies is emptiness. And the ideal meditative state for feminine energies is fullness.
This is clearly evident in sex. In order to reach that orgasmic state, men seek to empty themselves whereas women seek to be filled.
Orgasm is the highest meditative & conscious state most people ever reach. Despite all the needless focus on the taboos, benefits, & media/hoopla regarding the “act of sex”—the fact of the matter is that orgasm is a meditative state. It’s that feeling of oneness with everything. Where one loses sight of their limits & feels the nature of their own infinity. That’s why lovers connect the way they do. And that’s why strictly sexual/physical partnerships fall short. That’s why eventually it feels like you’re stuck in a bit comprised of physical pleasure but you’re trying to climb the walls to reach that divine state, but it only lasts for a moment, and you come sliding (sometimes crashing) back down to Earth. This is because the circulation of energy isn’t entirely complete. There is a lot of Life energy lost & wasted in the process because that true connectivity that people in genuine Love all share. Nothing divine is being created. Sex has been monopolized as a money making device & resorted to an archaic transfer of energies. It’d be like someone using old copper wiring and expect it to handle the huge amounts of electricity that flow on our electric grids. Or using 56k in the wireless age. It’s completely ineffective. The connections we make with each other require a much more efficient method of transfer. They require much more genuine engagement.
The endeavors of science to prove that women constantly have streams of reality coursing through them are almost moot & redundant points. It’s all meticulous work to prove a point that we all know already exists. Women must process reality much more so than men, simply for the fact that they are cosmically designed to be full. I mean they are biologically predisposed to hold another friggin life INSIDE of them. So why is it so far-fetched to believe that they don’t seek to harbor reality itself within them? This simple truth is an understanding that I believe all beings used to share. Back when all things used to be more authentic.
These days Life is filled with distortions of reality, distractions, and endless streams of useless information. Even scholarly & scientific miracles are being used in the most diabolical ways (ie: Monsanto). With how easily it is to get certain things these days, many have forgotten how to keep their live authentic. They fill it with mediocre comforts. And if there are any words I hate most in the English language, it’s “comfort” and “mediocre” (and the third word I hate is “potential”).
A scientific Mind alone cannot hope to solve the problems that plague men & women these days. Though an intelligent mind can dissect all the issues, it lacks the perception & drive to engage the issues fully. The scientific Mind seeks to study things in a sterile environment, where one in present but not fully engaged. And in issues of Love & Attraction, that just won’t cut it.
The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.
Even one of the most intelligent minds in history knew his brain had limits. The man was happily married but it had nothing to do with how smart he was. And that is where Intuition comes in.
In the next edition of Vivrant Thang, I’ll go over my talk with another friend of mine. He’s a black belt, a boxer, & an active kickboxer. I’ll go over how a physical warrior digests the dilemma of relationships.
Afterthoughts: Got a lot of info to process of late. This next slew of posts should be an enlightening experience write about.
I’m liking the title so far. And yes, it’s a direct reference to Q-tip’s “Vivrant Thang”. I can’t wait to wrap it all up & totally have the title make sense.
Nothing More. Nothing Less. (Part II) *DRAFT*
How lovely. She got back to me sooner than I expected. Written accounts of her experience:
I feel that I have stepped into clarity and feel immense gratitude. Although I was surprised by my physical reaction, my spirit remains as was—with peace. It’s as if my intuition knew all of the messages that were uncovered yesterday, but my mind and body have been resistant to listening. The fear of not knowing what avenue would be opened up was causing me to choke up whenever I knew I had to face whatever it was my gut was telling me.The idea of confrontation and vulnerability caused my body to quiver uncontrollably. Now, I see that what I did for myself and with your guidance was trust. With that, my heart and my mind are on the journey toward peace, and with time they will arrive at a marriage with my spirit.
One more thing (the first of many things that are going to come up). My back feels incredible! After 5 years of knots and tension it feels loosey goosey. I learned yesterday a new way to approach it — rather than making physical adjustments I need to make mental and spiritual adjustments
She has great courage. Quite admirable. Especially for an aspiring healthcare provider. You don’t typically see this type of creative ambition amongst the more scientifically inclined. She currently works in physical therapy. She’ll make a fine healthcare provider when all is said & done. I am blessed to know such a fine individual.
More to come. Just a draft. To be deleted once all her thoughts have materialized properly
theres a lot more
i just havnt found a way to express yet
Take ur time. Still trying understand all this myself.
But for now, I have finals exams to murder.
Nothing More. Nothing Less. (Part I)
Today (technically yesterday now) was an incredible affair. The whole weekend actually. Helped a friend with some errands. Had a dance audition. Botched yoga plans. And strengthened certain bonds in ways I couldn’t have expected. Nothing occurred as foreseen, yet I’m not surprised. It was all such varied interaction, all culminating in a surreal spiritual experience.
Do you see anything in me?
I guess curiosity got the best of her. Conversation with this beautiful young woman took on a very interesting turn. Again, my dialogue with various women seems to enter avenues that prove to be endlessly intriguing. The endless mystery of Man vs. Woman. What began as typical conversation transformed into one that pored over the intricacies of attraction, dating/chemistry, & finally the human condition in general. Even gave her the low-down on the masculine & a peek into the Mind of Man. However, once it took on a more spiritual tone, one centered around intuition, the trajectory of the conversation could not be deterred. Curiosity indeed got the best of her.
Do you sense anything?
I didn’t foresee this occurring. Yet somehow a part of me might have. She was an unlikely candidate. She’s a woman of science. Even more unlikely was the other person who was in the room. The other to witness all that was about to transpire. He too is an individual of strong mental faculty…
So what were you going to do to her exactly?
Suddenly I felt my intuition tugging & pulling at me. Pushing me to dive deeper.
Haha, so I guess I’m not getting out of this am I?
We were speaking of anatomy, stress hormones, & the different bodies that exist within the human condition: the physical, the mental, & the energy. I told her that just like the physical body & mental body, the energy body can acquire contusions & bruises as well. I told her that any ailments which manifest in the energy (and mental body) can manifest in the physical body as well.
She is an aspiring occupational therapist. Going to acquire her M.S. from none other than Columbia University in fact. Works at a clinic currently. As an aspiring therapist, she shares my enthusiasm for pushing the boundaries of healing. She has a kind, beautiful, & ambitious soul—she’ll make a fine healthcare practitioner.
She had some chronic physical ailments. She wanted to see if they were stemming from something deeper. She wanted to see if what I had said was true. She wanted to see if I could help her find answers.
I don’t know to be honest…I can’t honestly say how all this works. I’m just not gonna guarantee anything. But if you’re really curious we can give it a try.
Yeah, I wanna know…
Haha. Okay. Come sit in front of me I guess.
What occurred next was compelling to say the least. It almost felt like a test. To see if I could tap into that altered perception at will. To see if I could do it with someone else present. I had to admit, I was curious as well. I wanted to see if these so-called abilities of mine held any merit. She was a woman of science. A biology graduate. I wanted to know if I could navigate past a scientific mind & into the realm of vulnerability that all people share—the Heart. Like a coiled thread, I unraveled her. All her emotional hangups, her anxieties, & even her physical ailments were alleviated.
—Oh my god! I didn’t even tell you anything. How did you know?
—Wow! You’re like right on the dot with everything!
—Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been feeling.
—Oh my gosh. I don’t know why but I’m crying.
It was overwhelming. Even for me. I look over at the other individual in the room. He is also a man of empirical & critical thought, yet even he looks somewhat dumbfounded. I continue on.
After all is said & done she was completely healed of all her ailments. All her pains. Her tension. Her anxieties. She’s left in a daze. As was I. But she’s all smiles. Grinning ear to ear.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed but you’ve been smiling non-stop for the past 10-15 minutes.
Haha seriously? Oh my gosh! Usually I can feel it, but I can’t even tell! I just feel so…free! I feel so limber!! Ten years of stuff just—whoooosh. How did you do all that?
…I’m not gonna lie—I’m not really sure.
I don’t think I’ll ever find out.
You have a gift. Thank you so much! *hugs*
Heh thanks. I’m humbled. But it’s not about me. I have nothing to do with it. I’m just…a conduit to something greater.
In a sense we all are…
It’s funny I thought that I would feel this big need to do something. Like compelled to take a certain action. But instead I just feel…peace.
Heh. It sounds like you’re exactly where you need to be. You’re feeling exactly what you need to feel. We’re so used to having all this Noise. Noise in the outside world. Noise in our Minds. Noise in our Bodies. And noise in our Hearts. But really all we need is silence. We need that space of silence so that reality can fill it in itself……All we need is reality. Nothing more. Nothing less.
You’re right :) You’re so right.
No illusions. No mind games. No heart tricks.
Just the beautiful sweet & succulent silence of reality.
Nothing more. Nothing Less.
Incredible. Unbelievable even. Hard to believe what had transpired earlier this evening. There was even another witness. In total, two pragmatic individuals bore witness to something surreal.
I’d like to get her thoughts on the experience directly. In written word. For my documentation.
I struggle to put my feelings into words (as you discovered without me having to even tell you) and it may be slow but I will do that! For me and for you
I can’t wait :) Thank you miss. I look forward to seeing how you choose to translate your experience.
The shift I had foreseen is definitely picking up momentum. My eyes are peeled. My senses remain sharp. Reality is demanding my full presence. My claws are out & I’m licking my chops. I’m ready. Ready for disbelief.
More Than a Woman *Sneak Peek*
Rough draft of a piece that I’ve had on my Mind for a while…
…figured I’d throw a draft out there for fun.
In my eyes, there are four main aspects to the female spirit. The Daughter, the Sister, the Seductress, & the Mother.
The Daughter is the first one any woman comes to know. In that phase she learns the concepts of family, of loving, of dependence, & of coming into the world. It is also in this stage where she gains her first taste of what a male figure is in her Life—via the presence of (or lack of) her father. It is from this that foundation that she will conceptualize her definition of a male partner—whether she realizes it or not, whether consciously or subconsciously.
The Sister is how a woman relates to other women. Through this a woman gains an understanding of the bond she shares with other females. Whether they’re blood related or not, a woman learns to identify with others who share her spirit. Whether they get along with each other or not, these other women are her “sisters”.
The Seductress occurs when sher discovers her yearning for her equal & opposite energy—aka the Masculine. She begins to understand that she just half of a whole. Her world needs to be full of Love, and she seeks to find a suitable source that can be responsible for filling in that missing piece.
The Mother is something that is just weaved into the spirit of a woman. Women are natural Mothers because they are in fact the Cradles of Life—they give birth. It’s in their biology. So regardless of whether or not they have children, the woman expresses this through her giving & nurturing of others.
All of these exist simultaneously within any woman. She may go through phases where she experiences one more intensely than the other, but they’re always at work somehow.
so yeah…any relationship that doesn’t give proper attention to all those aspects of the female spirit is doomed to struggle tremendously…or even fail completely…
No matter how much a woman is fulfilled in one or some of those areas, she will reach a point where a part of her is feeling neglected:
—I want kids
—I need more/better girlfriends
—I want my partner to be more loving
—I miss my family
The list could go on & on but it all comes from the same sources.
This has been my latest revelation. I’ve been on this quest to understand it, because in doing so—I’ll understand my own masculine nature as well. I feel like so many men go about Life becoming only half-cooked & not fully developed. I do not wish to be as such.
Probably take this down when the final draft is done.
Foreward: Can’t sleep so figured I’d finally post this. Had this thing in my drafts for months. Can’t really explain why but just never felt like posting this until now.
This was a conversation that I had with a female friend of mine a while back concerning her man troubles. I don’t know why but I felt like saving it. Edited slightly so that it made more sense in blog form. I cut out a lot of her story & left just the questions (to protect her story & her privacy of course). So yeah, here it is…
So what is dating/romance to Men?
Dating? Chemistry? Attraction? It’s all an act. It’s all a game. A big fucking Mind game. It’s just a puzzle to be solved to get to the pussy. That’s how we’re all taught from day one these days…
But that’s so selfish!!! How can guys really think like that?
Sure it sounds selfish. But it isn’t. It’s just different. It’s all mental. Allow me to explain…
Men are logical and egotistical creatures both by nature & how they are raised. They are competing constantly. They are both masters & slaves to the Mind. The Mind can’t really Love anything. It’s logical and puts no priority on anything. It equalizes everything because it’s a tool of logic and rationale. Logic favors nothing. It will prioritize only what will allow something to survive—and in this case that thing is the male ego.
The mistake that people make about dating is that they believe that attraction isn’t logical & that it’s this magical phenomenon that’s all shooting stars & fairy dust. But that couldn’t be farther than the truth. There exists however a very specific science of attraction. Attraction isn’t this magical connection that most tend to believe. Attraction is no accident (read the histo-psychology book called Art of Seduction if you’re curious; the book goes over the best charismatics throughout history). Most never really understand how this science works. And to those who do know, it’s like playing chess while everyone is out playing checkers. This hidden science used to be a well kept secret. But times have changed. The secret got out & this science has been distributed to men everywhere—the proper gaze or eye contact, the perfectly timed joke, the inadvertent physical contact, the heart melting story of dreams or heart wrenching sob story. Add those ingredients to a big house, a fat wallet, a bitchin’ car and you have all the ingredients that appeal to a woman’s biological hot spots—sex, social value, survival, & support (financial, for kids, etc).
Men have gotten smarter. They’ve learned to think like women. They understand women. At least enough to get into their pants more often than not. And on the other side of things, women have begun to think like men. They’re no longer the Disney Princesses or damsels in distresses of the olden days. They have jobs, dreams, & sex lives just like men do.
So the problem these days is that while people want that fairy tale romance, there are less knights & less princesses these days to fill those roles…
Wow…never thought of it that way. So Love is just a game. It’s just science now?
No, I said Attraction is scientific. However, true real genuine Love is anything but logical…
What’s the difference?
Love is a natural cosmic & free-flowing energy. It’s universal. It’s almost like gravity. Everything in Life has a certain force of gravity to it. A force of attraction that CANNOT be faked. Sure science can explain HOW it works. But no science can explain WHY. And real love has no distinct WHY.
Furthermore, Love is the source energy that flows through all things in existence. All things come from this same Source energy. There are certain relationships that are just meant to be.
There are very beautiful acts of romance at work all around us. This type of love can’t put on make-up or a mini-skirt. This type of love can’t say the perfect lines or flash the perfect grin. There are no egos involved in this type of romance. All that is needed is genuine energy, both the right type & the right amount.
At the molecular level certain atoms & molecules are destined to join to become specific compounds. In nature, certain plants are made to sprout in certain soils and the blossoming of certain fruits are destined to be paired with the occurrence of certain seasons. And in the cosmos, the Moon and Sun are in a cosmic & seemingly eternal tango. And so thus, Love is akin to this cosmic gravity.
…It takes a truly intelligent & spiritual man to truly understand the full infinity of Love.
And it’s the job of an intelligent & spiritual woman to filter out when a man is acting as soon as possible.
But _____ is spiritual & intelligent. So then why does he act the way he does?
True spirituality is egoless. He happens to have a very big ego. He just thinks he doesn’t.
So he doesn’t think his behavior is selfish then?
Nope. That’s cuz as a very intellectual man, he believes he has Life solved. In his Mind he’s developed a perfect reason for everything. Each & every reason allows him to evade one thing—accountability for his actions. Life just becomes a series of puzzles & problems to rationalize. There’s no heart involved because it’s all in the Mind. If a man just follows his Heart, there shouldn’t be any real thinking involved:
The Heart already knows what the Mind always struggles to comprehend.
That’s why after a period of thinking, a guy may do the exact opposite of what was expected. He’s using the Mind instead of the Heart. He’s solved every single little angle & problem in his head. He believes he has an answer for everything. And because of that, he’s a prisoner to his own Mind. There’s no more room left in him for more Heart. What’s more dangerous than a man who doesn’t know what he’s doing? Simple, the man who THINKS he knows what he’s doing.
The Mind is deceptive prison. A prison with walls that are painted with exactly what you want to see. But no matter how grand it all looks, it’s still just a wall…
So what made you change?
Once I realized how things worked these days, I just couldn’t “act” anymore. Saying & doing all the “right” things jus cuz I know they would work, and not really cuz I cared just seemed so bland after a while. Everybody responds to the same fucking thing. Nobody is aware or even alive anymore. People just do things cuz they seem to work & it feels good for the meantime. And to a Man that’s all attraction is really—doing things just cuz they work logically. People do this all the time nowadays. Go to school. Get a degree. Get a career. Just go through the motions & hope for the best. People date the same way. Oh, he/she is cute. Let’s just go through the motions & hope for the best.
How did you get over that?
I didn’t really. I have a huge “appetite”—something else just became bigger than it. In other words, my Heart grew bigger than my Balls. I knew exactly how to “feed” this appetite. Knew exactly what buttons to push, which strings to pull, and what vices to use to numb myself. But for some mother fucking reason, my awareness/consciousness/heart turned up its volume to insane levels and I couldn’t drown it out…no matter how much I tried to outsmart it. In all honesty, it sucked & I fucking hated it. I couldn’t go out & do that stuff & act like I didn’t know what was really going on.
Wow that’s crazy! You don’t normally hear stuff like this from a guy…
Yeah, tell me about it. I thought I was going crazy at first to be honest. Every time I tried to bring this up to anybody they just just looked at me like they had no idea what the fuck I was saying—as if I was speaking an alien language. The way society raises its men nowadays is so riddled with so much masculine ego and fear and I wanted out. In essence, the priority is no longer how to respect & support our women, but how to collect & conquer them. And on the other side of things, women are taught to not need men. We’re basically forgetting how to take care of each other.
I wanted to explore a different approach. One that most men aren’t ever taught anymore. See…I believe there’s a way to be intimate without using emotions as an aphrodisiac. A way to make a woman feel desired, sexy, and sensually fulfilled without filling her head with broken promises of the future. That’s the type of “game” that I want. The type that I’m currently working for.
The true nature of my “appetite” for Life runs deeper than I anticipated. I wish to lose my sense of self COMPLETELY. It’s not about conquest or scoring major ass or any bullshit like that…
…I want to dissolve completely into intimacy. I want to be with a woman & lose track of where I end & where she begins. I understand in regards to the woman I Love—her body is just the front gate to an eternal garden of luscious & succulent bliss. The flesh is just the beginning.
Damn that declarative statement you just said was beautiful & so inspiring!!!
All of that applies even in the short-term. There are ways to show women intimacy without screwing them over in the long run. Most men don’t give a fuck (or that’s all they give). There are ways to leave women better off after having met you, gotten to know you, & possibly even slept with you.
No lies. No future promises. No emotional manipulation. Just complete & genuine care in the ever present moment. Complete pampering of all aspects of the feminine spirit—all of its Light & all of its Dark. This type of intimacy takes a truly Superior Man. One who understands that it’s not about conquest. And to be honest, that’s my true goal in my spiritual journey—to be able to find the means to achieve & express such infinite intimacy.
Some reactions & words from her end:
I wish more guys were like u! Seriously
Dang that was freakin awesome! Im so proud of u, u have no idea im so happy to know u
Hahahaha well im just sayin shit its a rare thing to hear a man say that. Any woman who’s ever in your sights needs to get her shit straight & jump on it. Shes got an amazing caring loving man at her finger tips w/o any expectation from her. Hahaha thats like once in a lifetime kinda thing
Thank you. I’m humbled. Your words keep me inspired & remind me that I’m not crazy. And that it’s ok to be a lil bit old fashioned & different. I know exactly what I’m capable of bringing to the table. I’m approaching things differently because I know what most everybody else is doing these days doesn’t work. I’m after a relationship so mother fucking ridiculous that ppl will be in awe of just how mother fucking badass we are…either that or they’ll vomit in disgust hahaha. It takes a truly courageous soul to find his limits, admit they’re there, & work to dissolve them. It takes a truly Superior Man to achieve & experience such things. A man who has evolved past his own ego…
…and I want to fuckin evolve like no other. Because if I don’t, neither will the nature of my relationships.
Well this was fun. Sometimes reading what’s inside my own head is strange even to me.
This little piece will hopefully finally set the stage for this other post…I’ve had this crazy ass post that’s been brewing in my head for like the past month now but intuitively it just feels like the timing is off. Like there’s this final piece of it that I’m missing. I hope to finally churn it out within the next several days.
It will be a direct evolution from my last written blog post:
Magnificent Ruin - I’m gonna take a page out of Chuck Palahniuk’s book & quote Fight Club:
Self-Improvement is Masturbation. Self-Destruction is the key.
This is a blog post about the Self-Destruction that I so crave—destruction by the Love of a woman. I want to be destroyed…
Winter Wanderlust IX - Till Death Do Us Part, Till Eternity Shall We Thank
My spirits haven’t been as chipper lately. I’m not unhappy. I’m just not ecstatic either. I’m not cooped up at home all day. And I’m not glued to the couch. I’m still out there doing things like doing volunteer work, working, taking dance classes, & living Life. I’m just not super visibly excited about it. I’m laughing out loud less & I’m not cracking as many jokes. I’m less talkative than normal. I’m somber—but not sad. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that my Father has cancer. It probably also has a lot to do with the fact that he’s scheduled to have surgery in about a week.
Anything can happen…
My Father isn’t exactly the most active man on the planet. The most physical activity he gets is when he gets up off the couch to shout perceived injustices at the television at some political debate programming. He’s not the healthiest man either. In fact, he’s actually a bit careless when it comes to healthy living. So in my mind’s eye, surgery could be a bit tougher on him than on somebody else. Maybe I’m just being pessimistic. Maybe I’m preparing myself for the worst because I feel that he hasn’t. Maybe I’m just preparing myself for Death to be at our family’s doorstep.
Christmas this year has been quite humbling. It’s been a rough season & I wasn’t able to go out & get presents for everyone I care for this time around. I didn’t get that many presents this year either—in fact I got one wrapped gift. To be honest though, I’m grateful for anything I receive. Besides, I’ve had other things on my Mind. Perhaps the most jarring & humbling gift I received this year though, came in the form of a loss. Someone whom I look up to, a dancing inspiration & mentor, died on Christmas Eve. Heart attack. Out of nowhere. Everyone says he looked fine the night before. Just goes to show you that you never really know. When it’s your time, it’s your time. It all just further served to amplify the cloud of Death that shrouds my Mind.
Death has been a pervasive theme in my Life. I’ve been to more funerals than I probably should have at this age. And the ones I didn’t go to were simply because I politely refused the invitation. My best friend died when I was young. Another friend of mine committed suicide. My cousin died. All my grandparents are dead. The list could go on. The prospect of Death can be scary. One of my high school friends dealt with it for the first time this past year. His dog died, sooner than he should have, and it fucked him in the head for a good month or two. He’s a pretty strong & resolute fellow too. Just goes to show you that nobody is immune to Death’s finality or its omnipotent & intensely humbling nature. The energies that swirl in the air after the passing of any loved one are strong. It’s a spiritual storm that nobody can really prepare for. Every culture in the world, from people in sprawling cities to aboriginal tribes in the mountains, all have their own rites & rituals with how to handle the passing over of a soul.
I personally have no fear of Death. Before, perhaps I did—I can’t really remember. But I most definitely do not now. I went down a double black diamond run on my very first time skiing (stuuupid idea btw hahaha ate shit a lot more times than on a snowboard). Went skydiving for the first time earlier this year—made that decision over the course of a bowl of cereal that same morning. I pulled over on the side of the freeway to attempt to rescue a puppy that was walking alongside oncoming traffic, nothing quite like having speeding traffic whizzing by you in the opposite direction. I grappled & went toe to toe with a UFC fighter/marine at Miramar Air Force Base because I thought it’d be a fun challenge (I almost submitted/beat him too!). So yeah, I think I’ve made as much peace as I can with the idea of injury & Death. So for me personally, it’s not Death that I have a problem with—it’s Life.
The way I see things, everybody has a chance to die—but not everybody has a chance to truly live. From birth, people are dropped into different sets of circumstances. Different opportunities. Different struggles. Different probabilities of success. Some are born into wealthy suburban upbringings. Others are born into poverty. It’s a gamble out there. Some are just dealt better cards at the beginning of the game than others.
My biggest gripe with Life lies in the forgetful nature of the human condition. It is in our very nature to forget the good. Whether it is a learned skill or whether we are actually born with it, all of us forget how good we really have it. Basically, we all could be deeper in the practice of Gratitude. Gratitude is one of the strongest energies in the known universe. It is a common meditative grounding & it is even now being shown through recent research to be a tangible & measurable frequency of energy. It is a real vibration that can be felt, heard, & most importantly shared. And Gratitude isn’t better served for one person over another. I’ve met both wealthy & rich people that bitch & moan about every little thing, and also people who don’t have much that give graciously from their hearts constantly. I’ve also met vice-versa & everything in between. No matter what walk of Life you hail from, we could all benefit from a more frequent practice of Gratitude.
The themes of Love, Death, & Gratitude have all taught me how to handle the theme of Life. Each of them, in turn, has altered my perspective in some way shape or form. Each of them feeds the other. Death reminds us to practice Gratitude. Gratitude helps us further experience & share Love. And Love allows us to appreciate Death. It’s all inextricably weaved together in a glorious cycle of cosmic understanding. If you close yourself off to one, you break the circuit, halt the flow of wisdom, & allow space for Fear. And once you allow Fear into the mix, it feeds on everything. Once you feed Fear, there’s nothing to stop it from feeding on you.
Fear is contagious. It’s the most contagious illness out there. In fact, in my eyes it’s a friggin epidemic. A lot people in the world are afraid to let go of what they know, of what their comfort zones are, of what they normally do, even if they know that a better way is possible. Many think that the leading cause of Death is cancer. If you look it up, it’s actually heart disease. Cancer is actually number two. I think the leading cause of Death is something else entirely. But I’ll get to that later. First off, let’s take a deeper look. What is Death really? According to Dictionary.com it’s:
- the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism. Compare brain death.
- an instance of this: a death in the family; letters published after his death.
- the state of being dead: to lie still in death.
The act of dying huh? The end of Life? The state of being dead? I’ve seen many folks who are already dead long before they lie down in their graves. Folks who’ve been in the act of dying for years. I’m not talking about terminally ill cancer patients either. In fact, some of the liveliest individuals I’ve met were those on their deathbed. No, I’m talking about the walking dead—the real life zombie like people that drone about in this modern day world. The way I see it, any moment where one isn’t truly enriching themselves & truly really living means that they are dying. And that’s where my issue begins with some people. People don’t die because of cancer. They die because of lifestyle. Even with Death just around the corner, the lifestyle choices certain people make are not those of one who truly desires & cherishes Life. Like my father for example. I feel that he is just biding time until his surgery. At least for his particular state of being dead, there’s a surgical procedure to fix it. And how much will that really fix? It can fix his condition, but not his decision making.
And what about other ‘acts of dying’? Bad relationships. Lackluster marriages. Unfulfilling jobs. Careless lifestyles. Lack of genuine self-awareness. Selfishness. There’s no surgery for those. Yet a lot of folks act & live like there is. Like there is some external quick fix to all of Life’s problems. As if everything in Life can be medicated.
Like cancer, sometimes Life’s issues are never properly diagnosed until it is too late. A lot of the times, you think you’re fine & just go about Life absorbed in your own little world. You become trapped in your own little world of comfort. And one day Death knocks on your doorstep. And you realized you never really offered anything back to the world. You never got a chance to leave a positive impact. You never really got a chance to share your little brand of Love & Creativity. You simply stayed alive. And staying alive is not the same as being alive.
Sometimes Death simply comes in the form of not realizing the Life you had in the first place. Not realizing that your actions or inactions had effects on those around you. Not realizing it until it’s too late.
I never got to do anything great. I never got to really leave an impression.
You left an impression alright. Whether you realize it or not, old man—you definitely left a friggin impression.
Anyways, back to what I was talking about earlier: causes of Death. Heart disease. Cancer. Stroke. Top three leading causes of Death according to the Center of Disease Control & Prevention (CDC). All of those have much to do with retaining tension within the self. Tension through diet, stress, work, & lifestyle. Tension through the refusal to let go of certain habits. Tension through Fear of letting go. Fear of letting go of what’s comfortable. So in a way, the number one cause of Death is Fear. Fear born from comfort. And as I’ve said before, comfort is the enemy of growth. Growth is synonymous with Love. And if you’re not growing then you’re not Living. And if you’re not growing, then you’re not Loving either. And what is Life without Love? It’s simple. It’s Death.
I seek great intimacy & awareness with all things in my Life. I wish for every moment to be a conscious moment. Whether I like it or not, the things I do or don’t do represent who I am. And whether I realize it or not, my actions have effects on the world around me. The way I see it, I’m married to everyone in my Life. I’m married to my little corner of the world. Marriage isn’t about the wedding. It isn’t about the dress, the tux, or the ceremony. And it isn’t about the honeymoon. Marriage is an alliance. Marriage is a pledge. Marriage isn’t always rainbows & butterflies. It’s also about understanding the concept of struggle. To some degree we are all married to each other, simply because we are existing at the same time. We are tied to our family, our friends, & our lovers. We are tied to the stranger passing us by on the crosswalk, the woman begging on the corner, & the child at daycare waiting for her single parent father to get off from his second job. This cloud of Death hovering over me at the moment has reminded me of that. I am in alliance with everything & everyone around Me. It’s a clear reminder that we could all be in the practice more Gratitude. It’s a reminder that even though Death is the final good bye, it isn’t the final thank you. So I recite my vows once again to this Life I have, to everyone in it, & extend a heartfelt thank you…
…Till Death do us part. Till eternity shall I thank.
I wrote this piece for a specific reason. I wrote this as a reminder to myself to be grateful. I’ve been under a lot of duress lately. A lot of pressure to be more than myself. I was losing sight of what was important. I was resisting certain natural human reactions. In other words, I forgot how to be grateful.
Love, Death, & Gratitude have all served to helped me prioritize my Life. Helped me prioritize both Who & What bring color into it. Those same themes are balancing my Life out once again. It’s a good time as any to refresh those themes within me. It’s a good time to re-prioritize.
Anyways, I’m worried bout my dad. He’s not exactly the type that adapts to change very well. Never has been. Stresses himself out needlessly. I’m worried for him but can’t show it. He won’t admit it, but he’s always somewhat depended on me for confidence. Kinda backwards but wutever. It is what it is.
So yeah. Note to self. Always be grateful. And through Gratitude, one will find a way to become strong again. I was becoming weak. I was beginning to falter under the weight of my own & everybody’s fear. I gave into the weakness a bit & may have lost some things in Life. I can’t close my eyes & wish, wait, & hope for the storm to subside. I need to become stronger. Take this thing head on. Through gratitude, I will find a way towards a life of chock full of Love & strength once again. That’s how Pi did it. That’s how Richard Parker did it. That’s how I shall do it.
Speakin of strength, I think I’ll dedicate today to workin out. I’m packing the weight on this year. No joke. Dance demands it. Life demands it. I demand it.
Saw this post on my FB feed (Temple of Isis FB Page).
I apologize for looking for my spiritual life independent from you, as though God is a disembodied construct and not a felt experience. Like a good little head-tripper, I wanted to think God, rather than to feel God. And so I looked for God on the skyways of detachment, mistaking self-avoidance for enlightenment itself. I went down this path for some time, seemingly calm on the outside,… but a bubbling cauldron of unresolved feelings in the deep within. In truth, the closest I ever came to an inclusive consciousness were in those moments when I surrendered to you completely, blemishes and all. It is no accident that we are here in physical form - God is IN the people. I apologize for looking for God outside the temple walls.
Horizons VII - Lasting, Lusting, & Loving Appeal *UPDATED*
Well, I’m awake way too early…
But yeah, had an intriguing conversation recently & somethin that was said for some reason only just recently got to me. It was regarding their viewpoint on sex & how it “makes or breaks” a relationship. It didn’t occur to me until this morning how interesting that was.
That is such an interesting factor to weigh the value of a relationship on. It opened up my eyes to an interesting concept. The concept is there are two types of relationships that people are after. One is either chasing after a lasting relationship, or a passionate one. And there interesting insights into each of those types.
Some find great pleasure that can be found in a relationship born from comfort & stability. I find this type of relationship exists between more sensible people, those who value emotional/physical survival over emotional/physical gratification. These types of people are very logical. They get off on the safety net that is present in the relationship. They do all the little things for each other. They are timely and get things done. These relationships last long, but the focus is more so about longevity as opposed to growth.
However, something that is comfortable isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes these things last just to last. And that is evident in a lot of couples. It’s a relationship because that’s what it’s always been. They’re in a relationship just to be in one as their focus is on the Lasting Appeal of it over anything else. They’re either afraid or unaware of a greater sense of sensuality. There’s no fire or passion. And that to me can be just as bad as an abusive relationship. Lack of physical intimacy & neglect are usually problems in this relationship. These types of relationships border on the platonic. This paves the way for infidelity later on, should either party begin to feel restless.
Both the pros & cons with this type stems from the Fear of feeling anything intense or hyper sensual. Fear of the loss of control. They might believe that anything that burns too brightly will cause things to burn out too quickly. Usually individuals who had experiences in an unfulfilling or abusive relationship will end up on this end of the extreme in their next one. Feelings of insecurity & dependency are common in this type of relationship.
These are the types of relationships that start off with great intensity & speed. This is the type found between beings of a highly sensual nature. The entire experience is usually very visceral as every aspect of the relationship is based off of the rush of physical pleasure. These types of relationships are fun but extremely short-lived. Those looking for variety & fun will usually have a revolving door of lovers in their lives. The focus & foundation of this relationship is based off of physical intimacy.
Hell, that may even be the ONLY working aspect of the relationship—and that’s where a large amount of problems arise. These types of relationships are usually more extreme than the Lasting Relationship, with intense highs & lows. A very common misconception is that this large contrast is necessary for a relationship, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Yes, one should sacrifice for the betterment of the relationship, but one should never ever, under any circumstances, compromise themselves.
These types of relationships appeal to those who value Lusting Appeal over Lasting Appeal. They exhibit complete focus on the intensity of the Now & none on the Later. One might even argue that all they value is Lusting Appeal, because Lasting Appeal to them may not even exist. Deep down, such a person probably believes that nothing is meant to last anyways & that the entire scope of Life needs to be felt here & now. While that can be true in meditative theory, the practices & execution are often misguided. This leads to compulsive & repetitive behavior.
These are the types of the relationships that tend to lend themselves to emotional/physical abuse. The highs & pleasures of the physical intimacy are so addictive that it leads those involved to endure other painful aspects of the relationship. Usually drug/alcohol addictions, physical/verbal abuse, neglect, & other such elements are present in these relationships. Emotional manipulation is very common in this type of relationship as well. Usually people get into this type of relationship based on the initial rush & stay in it hoping to change the other person. These attempts are rarely successful. Going into this type of relationship with the long-term in mind is a recipe for hurt.
The pros & cons of this type of connection arise from the base Fear that nothing lasts. Some people believe that the only way to feel anything is if it’s really intense & that there isn’t much time left in Life to take things slowly. They value the worth of Life based on the sensory rush they feel from it. Their lives are predicated by the five senses and nothing more(even though science clearly shows that even with our five senses, our perception of reality is extremely limited, not to mention that love falls outside the capacity of those receptors). There are insecurity & dependency problems in this relationship type as well. From my personal experience of interviewing, being with, & observing, I find that people of this nature have had close calls or issues with Death.
This is the third & unmentioned type of relationship. This is the type that most talk about but don’t really know how to achieve. I didn’t mention this type because honestly I don’t even think that most people believe such a thing truly even exists. According to some studies, only about 5% of the population actually reaches the truest extent of this type of relationship. Sure some fancy it superficially in their heads, but deep down some think it’s too ideal. Most tend to be too lazy or fearful to change themselves to be deserving of the truest & most genuine forms of Love. They pragmatically believe that a relationship is either one extreme or the other. However, I’ve seen it with my own eyes—real fulfilling loving connections really do exist.
These relationships are difficult to define. They are supremely emotionally comfortable one moment & super highly physically affectionate the next. They are in blissful states more often than not, often citing that it’s like they’re on a drug more potent than anything on Earth. They exhibit all the traits of a comfortable relationship but somehow have this undercurrent of passion that runs subtly between them. It’s somehow both seemingly platonic & passionate simultaneously. It’s like they are Family, Friends, & Lovers all at the same time. Their Love knows no limits or strict definitions. The focus of these relationships is neither longevity, nor pleasure, but passionate growth. Growth of the relationship, growth of the parties involved, & growth of anything else that stems from it.
This type of a relationship isn’t quite the mix of the last two as one would expect. It’s not that it’s exactly equal parts of both Logic & Passion, because in reality genuine Love has no distinction, but it’s a connection that is far greater than the sum of its parts alone. This relationship is born between two individuals who understand that Love is a gift. These beings are as logical as they are sensual. They understand that romance is not a mood, but a lifestyle. They are also very intuitive & trusting in regards to each other. There are no limits in this relationship. Relationships of this type usually take a lot of time to really take off. They have to work past some initial issues. In some rare instances, two very enlightened individuals meet & pair off seamlessly right away.
Loving relationships are about the other rather than about the self. Most relationships are founded upon selfish need; focused upon fitting the needs of one ego around the needs of someone else’s. If any part of the relationship focuses on the question “What can the other person do for me?”, then it isn’t real Love. Even if it is, someone with that mindset won’t ever be truly free enough to experience everything that Love has to offer. That is because the wall & distinction of self forms a subconscious barrier. One has to dig deep down within themselves & find out if that question is being asked anywhere within. The next step is to admit it, because most tend to deny or ignore it.
Whenever I speak to individuals who have this type of connection, they always tell me that it never works out the way they thought it would. It all occurred in ways they never would have expected. Even the things that normally would have destroyed most couples, this relationship type seems to glide right through the issues seamlessly. In fact they seem to handle everything well. It’s not because they agree on everything or something either, because they don’t. They just understand that there are things more important than being right—like each other. And it’s all because there is no fear or expectation.
There is usually no Fear apparent in this relationship type. Both parties seem to be unaffected by the idea that it could end for any reason—career, death, aliens, etc. That’s not to say that they won’t fight for each other, because they definitely will. It’s just that their egos are of little significance. And both are enlightened enough to understand the difference between real passionate Love and the rush of passionate Lust. There are rarely any dependency issues or issues of insecurity. They cover for each other’s backs. Everything is fair game. And everything is genuinely truthful.
::Logic VS Lust VS Love::
Some people tend to believe that there are all types of Love—I for one disagree. Love to me is a very specific wavelength & frequency of energy. All Love comes from the same source. It is the very same energy that allows the Sun to burn, allows the plants to flourish, & the animals to roam freely about the Earth. Real true Love has no expectation & assigns no judgment upon anyone or anything else. Most tend to give Love expecting something in return. But Love is never ever about the taking. It was, it is, & will always be about the giving.
I spent a several years alone, dating myself if you will, just to find out Love’s true meaning. I spent years trying to find out who I was & what my limits & insecure needs were. I psychologically broke myself down & assessed the wounds of my ego. I emotionally broke myself down & assessed the needs of my Heart. I wanted to find exactly where my chains were bound. Most don’t get that far, as most don’t tend to look.
Most make the mistake of looking for Love—I can tell you right now that you’ll be looking forever. From both experience & from observation, I am a firm believer that Love can never be found—it can only be created. When someone finds something in Life they Love, it’s not like Love finds them really—it’s more so they create that appreciation by opening themselves up to it. How many times do we subject ourselves to different experiences? How often does the perception of those experiences depend on how open we are to them? The answer is all the time. We walk around creating what we are naturally attracted to. Attraction is seemingly not a choice simply because we are constantly walking, breathing, & living that choice subconsciously. We create our own distortions of reality.
The realization of Love in a relationship depends totally on our ability to create it. Love doesn’t just exist between two people. It takes very two enlightened & complete people. It takes individuals who are both ready to freely give Love as well as receive it. It takes great awareness. And that’s what Love truly is—the most genuine & true awareness of the other person. In addition to that, it takes practice. Love will never be a finished product. It will always be a work in progress. In theory, Love can be created between any two people, but it just takes more work with some than with others. One just has to determine how much of themselves do they really want to sacrifice. However in practice (and not theory), one has to also realize that mutual Love is very much a two way street, & realize when the traffic is only going one way.
Meditation & the process of self-awakening have altered me completely. I can now pinpoint quickly between Lasting Appeal, Sex Appeal, & Love Appeal. I know where to look for & find each (except for the last one). I can sense other people out very well & I can forecast the type of relationship I will have. It’s not so much that I’m judging a book by it’s cover—but more of an intuitive sense about people & their intentions. And that intuition has shown me that Loving appeal is truly very hard to come across. So while I’m no longer looking for Love, I’m not a jaded either. I am Love incarnate & will create it wherever & whenever I am. And one day I’ll come across a like minded & like-hearted individual who is just as creative, passionate, & willing to help me create a world of Loving appeal.
These aren’t facts. These are just the personal truths that I have come to know. Everyone has their own ideas as to what Love is. This is just the evolution of my own understanding of Love.
Damn. This one was really eye opening. To be honest I didn’t realize most of this until I was actually literally typing it. I’m honestly quite surprised that all this was floating around in my head. Again these are all just personal accounts from both my own history & from meeting, talking, & discussing Love with numerous people. I’ve volunteered at senior care centers, been a counselor at youth retreats, & have picked the brains of countless individuals, both single & spoken for, trying to peel back the layers of misunderstanding surrounding Love.
Everything I’m attracted to has changed completely. I react to spirit & personality more than anything else. I gravitate towards people whom I sense have boundless potential. I don’t care to get with someone to claim them or change them. I have no ego to stroke. I can say that I honestly understand my own feelings of Lust versus feelings of Love. I’m turned on more so by true genuine connections than as opposed to anything else. I’m more aware now than ever how rare something like that occurs.
I’m not attracted to safe/good women anymore than I am to fun slutty girls (I don’t even think slut is a bad word. If guys can be sluts so can women. Fuck the double standard). How dependable a woman, in the sense of what I can get out of them in bed or otherwise, doesn’t honestly matter to me too much. Why? Because I have learned to appreciate a woman for whom she really is.
Also, how good a woman is in bed or the type of sexual presence one has isn’t as important as their passionate Potential. I won’t judge the value of a woman based on how well she can suck me off. How she is & how we interact in everyday life is much more important. Because that’s where all the foreplay really starts. I’m saying this based on experience. I’ve taught old girlfriends how to become better in bed. Hell, I might have turned some into nymphos. So their current expertise doesn’t matter too much because I’ve always been clear in communicating what I desire. In my past relationships I was always the freakier one. And I mean freaky. I’m talkin handcuffs, toys, foods, oils, candles, aromas, role play, etc. I should also point out that those relationships no longer exist either. All in all, I find that it’s much easier to teach someone how to be good in bed than how to be good at Life.
Love is timeless and I’m somehow able to view an individual through that same filter. I don’t see them only as they are now. I see them for who they were, who they are, and who they could potentially become. Keep in mind that this future projection doesn’t depend on my wanting to change or mold that individual into something I want. I could care less if I’m in the picture or not if it regards their truest sense of happiness. It may hurt sure. But it would hurt more to know that I was holding someone back from happiness.
In my meditation, I have learned that I have completely separated my sex appeal from my heart completely. I’m so detached from my ravenous nature that I basically neutered myself. Instead, I spent the last chapter of my Life really trying to figure out what it means to Love. I broke myself down & figured out all my issues. I wanted to avoid such problems later on in my Life. Because to me that’s the more difficult part of Life & the more complex part of relationships. I figured the younger I figure out Love, then the more chances I’ll have at having a longer, more fulfilling, & perhaps life-long loving relationship with someone.
So while everyone my age was out there practicing Lust, I was inwardly focusing on Love. I can confidently say that I think I have a pretty damn good grasp of its infinite nature. When your own ego no longer plays a factor in your decision making, it’s much easier to identify this & make decisions accordingly. It allows life to be simpler while at the same time enriching it. I’ve created a solid foundation of understanding of Love. I look forward to building on it for the rest of my Life.
Now time to switch gears just a bit. My dreams for the past month have seemed to center around a black panther, a clear sign that I must now shift my focus to my more primal urges. I lost some skills trying to hone some other ones. My last blog post, Falling Into Darkness, spells it all out clearly. I want to relearn how to see in the Dark, but this time with Light of Love as my guide. That being said, this next year of 2013 is bound to be quite interesting…
Falling Into Darkness
Everything that my intuition forecasted seems to have come to fruition. From new opportunities to the passing of old ones. Crazy too how my blog posts have been completely in-line with my weekly yoga classes. The last blog post I wrote was about solar energy & stars and the focus of the yoga was on the solar chakra. The idea was in my head even before I found out which chakra was to be focused upon.
It’s no different this week either. This week’s focus of yoga is on the Heart chakra & embracing the darkness within the heart. How interesting. I’ve had this feeling now for the past couple weeks now that a phase shift would occur in my Life—a shift from light to dark (not to be confused with good & bad). I should also mention that there will be a solar eclipse next week. How cosmically appropriate.
Anyways, certain things have transpired in my Life that have caused old dormant feelings to arise—my father’s recent bout with cancer being one of those reasons. We didn’t always have the best relationship. In fact, that’s quite the understatement. Things are a lot more civil now. However, dormant forgotten feelings are simmering to the surface. It’s all paving the way for other feelings to reveal themselves, even ones completely unrelated to my father. Feelings born from a darker more visceral time in my life. An angrier time. A more emotional time. A more selfish time. A more passionate time. A sexier time. A darker time.
In addition to this resurgence of darker feelings, even the opportunities coming into my Life are enticing me towards a louder lifestyle. Namely possible gigs in San Diego, Hollywood, & Vegas and the gang of new faces & energies of a darker nature popping into my Life. And yet here, I am going to school for healthcare. Here I am, doing meditation & yoga to find a so-called inner peace. I always seem to find myself in the middle, on the border between two worlds. My Life has always been as such…
I intuitively now feel that it’s time to flip the script. These past six months of my Awakening have mainly focused on me finding the infinity of my inner Light. On finally surrendering all of me to my higher callings. Now I feel it is time to explore the infinity of my inner Darkness. I’ve spent so many years of my Life trying to separate the two. I am now enlightened enough to know that both aspects of Life, both aspects of me really, are part of an inseparable whole. And I need to nurture the Dark as well as the Light. There can be no Fullness without Hunger. And I find my hungers growing stronger by the day. My inner recklessness has been clawing at the door & I need to find a way to give it a walk in the park of Life.
When you are unable to express your dark passions with love, then they go underground in your psyche. Your dark desires become disconnected from your heart. Instead of being moved to embrace your woman with masculine force and aggressive passion—throwing her down on the bed, ripping off her clothes, and pinning her down beneath your body as you both yield yourselves in ecstatic loving—you begin to fantasize about controlling and dominating women in unloving ways.
~ David Deida
This is the basis for most problems in every relationship. It’s either all Passion with no Love or all Love and not enough Passion. Any lack of either and the relationship turns into a dance of manipulations. This causes bruises & wounds to the ego & in turn trust issues arise. Most can’t see past these wounds. I do. I look past the ego altogether.
Sexual energy is at the root of your bodily force of life, and your relationship to ravishment reveals your relationship to life altogether.
Even as colorful as my Life as been lately, I still feel that I have been unable to fully devour the fullness of my Life. I have insane amounts of potential, but I have hesitated on realizing all of it. That hesitation. That unwillingness to lose control. That ability to lose yourself within yourself. My dark desires have indeed been disconnected from my Heart. That is why I have missed certain opportunities. And that is why I’m busting my balls right now trying to fix that mistake. I make a habit of learning quickly. I make a habit of not repeating mistakes. I make a habit of not being limited nor defined by my shortcomings, but rather in how I overcome them.
This is also true of your woman. If your woman is afraid to surrender completely and receive your loving [and ravishing] in all of her parts, she will also be afraid to surrender completely and receive the loving of the divine into and/or through her. She will feel essentially empty, and so seek to be filled with the “love” of food, shopping, social events, and conversation.
The feminine desires for their lives to be full of love. Love of food, fashion, sociability, stimulating conversation, and especially in fully surrendering in love-ecstasy through ravishment. If any of that is missing, it will be compensated for in other areas. And in some cases, by other people—whether worthy or not. If unfulfilled, the feminine will tease, test, & probe around in various aspects of their life trying to fill in what is missing.
You must learn to let go, absolutely, in love with your woman. Unless you choose to live your life as a celibate, there is no way around this. You must be as fearless with your sexual desire as you are with your spiritual desire. The essential masculine fear is loss of self—which is also the essential masculine desire.
I must be as fearless in my sexual desire as I am with the spiritual. I must embrace my Darkness just as much as my Light. That is the true calling of any masculine entity. Only in full loss of self in both body & spirit will the masculine divine be ascertained.
So, if you are like most men, you are willing to lose your self in controllable ways like sports, newspapers, and orgasm, but you remain fearful of losing your self, for real, in love-ecstasy with your woman, surrendered in the unknowable infinity beyond mind.
I AM willing to lose myself. I no longer care for shape. I no longer care for form. I no longer care for psycho self-image or ego. I wish to be formless. I want to be so boundless that nothing will be able to resist my sheer force of will. I wish to create a force of gravity in my Life that attracts all that I Desire & sustains them all in orbits of utter Passion.
The full realization of my masculine divinity depends on my ability to handle the strongest of feminine energies. Whether those energies swirl in the shape of a career, a life goal, or a woman—I must learn to recognize its sensual nature & subtle details. I see with more than just my eyes & think with more than just my brain. I have developed an insight into the vision of the feminine. In that alone, I believe I have an advantage over most men. Maybe even most people in general.
It’s one thing to recognize it. It’s another thing altogether to do something about it. And that’s where I lie currently. I have developed a full perception into the sensual. I have the insight. I have the knowledge. Now I’m training my body to catch up to the progress made with my Heart & Mind. I’ve begun a regimen of sorts of Tantric exercises for about a month now to condition my body to handle stronger currents of energy. I can feel the energies swirling within. These practices will transform my body into a stronger conduit of energy so that I will be able to transcend spiritual limits—especially in moments of heightened intimacy. Tantra is a meditative practice that serves to super impose the gifts of sexuality upon the whole of someone’s Life. Every moment is an opportunity to become more intimate, not just with other individuals, but with Life in general.
And so I embark on a journey into Darkness. I see my edge. I feel that I will soon push myself over it. And fully dive into me. I shall fall ever deeper into the rabbit hole. I can’t wait to see the Light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t wait to see the Light at the end of my Darkness.
I have reached a limit. And it bothers me. I will assess, dissect, & intuitively feel out all of its details, and I will move clear past it. Because I refuse to let it define me. That is how I’ve handled everything thus far. And that is exactly how I will handle this. I’ve never had this problem before ever & I understand it exists to teach me a very specific lesson. Its timing is no accident either. And so thus, I lay myself naked & bare in the name of my own boundless nature. I am defined by nothing or nobody’s perception of me but my own. And to me, I am undefined.
I am fixated on this quest of finding my true infinite nature. My teeth grind & muscles clench impatiently. Why is it so difficult to do it ALL? Haha. What a dumbass question. But that is the beauty of the human condition. There is beauty in the breakdown. There is divinity in the transformation.
I am going through growing pains right now. I am putting myself through a meat-grinder for the ego. Most people wouldn’t survive this. Most wouldn’t even dare to begin such a process. But I’m clearly not most people. I guess my unique disposition must be pretty obvious because I was approached by a shaolin kung fu practitoner on the street yesterday. We exchanged numbers & he’s going to introduce me to people who are fluent in the arts of Tai Chi. I live a colorful life indeed haha.
I’m just grateful that one of my biggest strengths is the ability to learn & adjust quickly. I pride myself in being very very groom-able. That skill has allowed me to acquire a vast dance vocabulary in just a few years, as well as pick up a buttload of other hobbies. It’s allowed me to ace all of my classes this past term. It’s allowed me to get 100% on my anatomy final. I have full confidence that I will do just fine in this next life pursuit.
Anyways, like I said my Life is taking a shift of a Darker nature. One of my current closest friends used to be a drug addict & worked in a porn shop. Now he’s been sober for 6 six years, is married, & owns a dance studio. His natural state of being has been conjuring some old familiar feelings from within myself. Despite him being married, he still sustains a very strong sexual frame. He reminds me of a version of Me that I left behind years ago out of Fear. Now I know better. Now I know to bring those sides of me back to the forefront. Because now I have a far better understanding of Love than I did before. And now I know how to hold that frame out of Love rather than just pure Lust. I seek nothing more at this moment than to reawaken my deeper sensual nature—my enlightenment demands it.
I’ve had this feeling for the past month or so now that I might disappear for a bit. Disappear in a puff of smoke & go on a personal journey. Something will pull at me just as gravity pulls one towards the Earth. It will suck me into a private quest. A quest to chase down my Passions & fully re-ignite my power to ravish my Life completely. A quest to take back & reawaken the dark passions that made me so strong before. A quest to fall into my darkness. And in doing so, I shall naturally rise higher into the Light. All of this so that I can rediscover how to fully ravish the feminine with the dark fury of Love & the sultry sensuality of Light. Then and only then, through such an act, can I truly become divine. I have but one Life & one Death. But I have an infinite number of ways to transcend. Despite my youth, I’ve managed to reinvent myself SEVERAL times over in my Life already. This time is no different.
I don’t care for immediate easy pleasures or quick fixes. The purpose of my Life isn’t to stick band-aids on my ego as most people do. Nope. I’m after something else entirely. My Passion isn’t a flame that flickers & fizzles out over time, but a flame that shall ember on the brink of inferno for my entire Life. I’m after perpetual satisfaction & joy. I’m after life-long fulfillment. And I’m after the means, the know how, & the ability to give such gifts to those I love the very most. I know that one day I will ravish their lives just as much as my own. And we will bask in the Light of each other’s Darkness. With that said, I honestly cannot wait for where, who, what, & when happens next. And I vow to dedicate my Life to being capable of loving all of it.
PS: The feedback received & events during class & Life in general over the past couple weeks have had me thinking quite a bit about my unique personal situation. I have a good number of ways to express my appreciation of beauty. The time management assignment I did for school showed me exactly how divvied up my time was for a variety of passions. When Life finally allows me the luxury of a true dedicated & loving relationship, I look forward to expressing all of my gratitude to/for it. Through music, dance, photography, physical/spiritual healing, writing, wining & dining, sex, & Time—I look forward to becoming the most gratifying lover of Life the world has ever known. I’m smiling at all of the magnificent possibilities :) Life truly was, is, & shall be a glorious gift.
Chasing Life, Death, & Pyramids
I’m chasing Pyramids…what are you chasing?
I’ve finally come to a Decision…
I want to kill Myself. As soon as possible. I seek the sweet succulence of Death.
Nothing & Nobody can convince me otherwise. My Choice is made. Woke up feeling this way everyday for the past week or so. Yesterday was the strongest it’s ever been. The feeling carried all the way through the morning, stuck in my gut throughout the afternoon, sat on my shoulder through the evening, kissed me on the lips goodnight, & cuddled with me as the Moon danced across the night sky. Today is no different as I can feel Death embracing me from behind as I’m typing this out.
Been having this itch that I can’t seem to scratch. And I know that it is through Death that I will find reprieve. The beginning of the end. The entirety of nothingness. The sweet savory deliciousness of my Destruction. God it all sounds so friggin appealing at the moment that I just CANNOT WAIT to sink my teeth into it all…
And so thus, I wish for my Life to end.
This Life has served its purpose. There is nothing more I can get from it. Any lesson to be learned will just be a regurgitation of an old one. It is time for the End. I welcome Death with wide open arms. I have no Fear. I breath in all that I have experienced thus far. With this final inhalation, I breathe in all my memories, my relationships, my pleasures, my pains, my wins, my losses—& transform them all into humility & gratitude. And with one final exhale…
…I let it all go. I embrace my Death.
Here lies Reggie [1986-2012]
~May he be remembered for Being~
Or that’s the goal at least…
These past couple weeks have been quite interesting. A blind date, a socially packed party weekend, a traumatic head injury, a pulled muscle in my back, an olive branch from an old friend, a nature inspired meditation journey, a confession of Love, a kayak trip, one chiropractic visit, & one intense boot-camp-of-a-dance-session later & I’m a changed man haha. Well, no not changed. Just clearer. Lighter.
I’ve been feeling into the depths of Me in ways that I haven’t before. There’s tingle in my bones, a haze in my head, & a burning in my heart. All of it signifying a change. A purging. A shedding of yet another layer of me. Except this time—I don’t want to shed just a layer. I want to burn the whole thing to the ground & rise up reborn from the ashes.
My most recent life experiences, sensations, & readings have all allowed me to discover more details about myself. There were deeply rooted tensions in my body. Unexpressed & repressed emotions manifested into physical & spiritual pressure. Whether pleasure or pain, joy or sadness, wellness or illness—there was some residual existing that had not been fully experienced & let go. And it’s finally become a hindrance to the growth that I’m currently pursuing. It’s time to clean the slate. It’s time for me to Die…
The truth is, once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.
~Tuesdays with Morrie; Mitch Albom
For about three years or so, I was dragging myself worthlessly around. I was by all intents & purposes a Lifeless Spirit dragging around a listless sack of flesh. I was disillusioned. I was despondent. I was depressed. I was outside my Body. I was inside my head. And I was all out of Heart. I felt as though everything was being taken from Me. As though I was the Universe’s punching bag. But I’m never one to be too broody or emo. So I just sucked it up, made myself numb, & took blow after blow. I felt as though Life was throwing test after test after test in my direction. Some I passed with flying colors. Some I barely survived. This went on for what seemed like an eternity…
I’m stubborn to the core. If I don’t feel motivated, I won’t do it. I won’t give into anyone. Not even myself. Unless I consciously make the decision to do so, I will not follow or listen to anybody. I blame it all on my Leo side. I blame all the moodiness on the Cancer (I’m a cusp sign). I blame everything else on Me not being more stubborn…
Thanks to my stubborn nature, I did not allow the Fire of my Heart to fully die. The embers of my Soul continued to quietly burn & keep my Spirit lit. I was still quietly pursuing my Passions & Hobbies. During this time, I became a better dancer, writer, artist, scientist & photographer. However, despite how many more skills I picked up, at my core I was still very much an incomplete person. However, all those activities were enough to sustain me through one of the harshest spiritual winters I could have ever known. The winter was long, merciless, & perpetual. Nothing I touched, tasted, heard or felt carried any warmth. Nothing had any meaning. I believed in absolutely nothing. I was malnourished in every sense of the word. Everything just felt—cold…
This went on for years. I probably wasn’t even fully aware of it all until later down the line. It’s hard to tell at first because it’s not some super intense emotional episode. Depression & neglect grow slowly like a cancer. It’s worse than sadness. At least with grief you can clearly feel things. I felt absolutely nothing (except when I danced). Sensations, experiences & people keep flying my way—but I didn’t feel comfortable inviting them into the storms of me. They say misery loves company. Luckily for others, I was smart enough to break that old cliche. I kept my misery to myself. I was selfish with all of it. No point in fucking both our lives up, ya know? So without trying to really grasp onto anything or anyone else, I fell. Deeper. Deeper. Deeper I fell.
Why did I do all this? Because I knew. I knew that deep down inside that everything that I had been brought up to know was false. That the truth of everything I had learned stood on very thin ice. None of it was holding up. This feeling in my gut told me the path I was on was dead wrong for who I was. So I cut myself off. From my family, from my friends, from my Purpose, & from Myself.
I detached Myself. I lacked intimacy in all forms to everything in Life. Emotional. Spiritual. Physical. I had even distanced Myself from my Purpose as a Man. Detached myself from the essence of my Masculinity. I cut the rope that kept me tethered to all things of value in this Life & allowed myself to fall into the darkest, deepest, dankest Depths of Me. And yet somehow I was able to do all of that without being overly destructive—destructive to Myself or Others. I endured all of it. Tested everyday. I think it’s safe to say that I passed. Through it all I learned the deepest, truest, & most sophisticated lessons in the virtues of Confidence, Conviction, Patience, Perseverance, Independence, & Love. I’ve discovered the true limits of Emotion—and also the infinities that lie beyond them. And now I crave something else entirely. Something infinitely more valuable…
If you hold back on the emotions—if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them—you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.
~Tuesdays With Morrie; Mitch Albom
It’s time to Die. Time to finally kill Myself after all this Time. It’s been a half-year since the color has come back into my Life. A half-year since I started opening my heart back up to the World. After months of trying to rehabilitate myself, I’ve now come to the conclusion that there is no point. Some wounds will never heal. I found that out the hard way when I injured myself in a fit of rage last week. I know that the way I react to anything is completely up to Me. I lost composure for bit. My injury was completely my fault. And since there is no way to heal certain pains—I choose to discard this self completely…
It’s painfully apparent now that the Me that I’ve been has his limits. And the Me that I wish to become does not. I’ve discovered the eternal nature & beauty of Death. Hell, compared to who I’ve been before & who I’m striving to be now, I was pretty much dead for the past few years anyways. And now that I no longer Fear Death (or facing the Fear of it), the truest form of my Life is emerging. After all, without Death, there is no Life. And I am very much down with my own Death right now.
I see my Edge. I find myself peering over it every second of everyday. It gives me jitters. It makes me feel alive. I will set up camp along the edge of Me. I will live each moment in a state of perpetual rush & Vertigo. The Essence of who I am as a Man is slowly but surely returning.
I used to be a very sensual being. Sights. Sounds. Smells. Tastes. Touch. I was a force to be reckoned with. I was wildly materialistic & sensory. I was ferociously passionate & effervescent with life-force. I was one with my body & one with the Present moment. Haven’t really embraced that part of Me for a long long time. Always refrained & held back. I haven’t been INSIDE my body for so long. I’ve been existing in the realms of Spirit & Mind, especially during my Depression. The only exception was when I danced. But in terms of just everyday living & existing, I was clearly physically absent.
I was detached from my Purpose & therefore detached from my reality. A man without his Purpose lacks the ability to be intimate with ANY aspect of Life on ANY level. He values nothing & destroys everything he touches. I am certainly no Destroyer.
I am a divine Creator. A demi-god who is finally returning to the throne of his existence. A being with the conscious ability to create or un-create. A being who is in full communion with his own Infinity. A being who perpetually flirts with his Death. And in doing so, fully embraces his Life. So though I am sorely out of practice with being completely emotionally & physically intimate with anyone at the time being, I am hell bent & determined on rectifying that. And I shall be even more fulfilling than the Man I was destined to become. I am more powerful now because I’ve learned to harness energies which are greater than thoughts & emotions…
A man who dances with Death knows how to distinguish between emotions & feelings. There is a stark difference between having emotional content in all that you pursue in Life & being just plain emotional. Emotion is a abstraction that lives not in the Present, but in the Past & the Future. It’s the resurfacing of repressed feelings that were unable to show or express themselves at the time the feeling was actually occurring. And if left unchecked, that pressure builds over Time—and in the worst case scenario, shows itself in an intense & wild reaction that is completely disproportionate to the mild action that triggered it.
Whenever you are overwhelmed by an emotion you lose all reason, you lose all sensitivy, you lose your heart in it. It almost becomes like a dark cloud in which you are lost. Then whatever you do is going to be wrong.
Love is not to be part of your emotions. Ordinarily that is what people think & experience, but anything overwhelming is very unstable. It comes like a wind and passes by, leaving you behind, empty, shattered, in sadness and in sorrow.
~Osho, transcribed teachings
Tantric Inspirations, Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation
Through my personal Life experience, I’ve learned the steadiness of true genuine Love. Through the desire & will to manifest it into my own Life, & without any true consistent genuine examples, I’ve derived what it means to be in Love.
According to those who know man’s whole being—his mind, his heart, and his being—love has to be an expression of your being, not an emotion. One moment it seems that is all. Another moment, you are simply empty. So the first thing to do is to take love out of this crowd of overwhelming emotions.
Love is not overwhelming. On the contrary, love is a tremendous insight, clarity, sensitivity, & awareness. But that kind of love rarely exists, because very few people ever reach into their being.
~Osho, transcribed teachings, Om Shantih Shantih Shantih
Tantric Inspirations, Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation
For me it is entirely possible. For I have reached down into the darkest depths of my own Being…
Genuine Love is a state of being. It isn’t something that comes & goes. It isn’t selfish. Sure, it can be wildly passionate at times, but reduced to its base & at its core essence, it remains unchanged. At its most immaculate evolution, Love is a rare & sophisticated practice exhibited usually only by Men who have the most thorough & intimate knowledge of themselves, their Purpose, their Fears, their Death, & how to achieve/overcome them all. In essence, Love is felt, expressed, & practiced by those who are Love.
And that is the mark of any timeless individual. Across the ages & histories of man, the stories that have been re-hashed & retold over & over again revolve around Men who cheated their Deaths by actively chasing it down. Men who danced with it. Men who built monumental lives. From their Life goals, missions, & Romances—everything they created was a work of Art. And everything they touched became divine. A divine touch from those dedicated to the sacrament of Love.
And that is what I desire most. That Midas touch. That ability to turn anything or anyone I come into contact with into a golden masterpiece of loving existence.
I am reminded now of a conversation I had with a friend of mine last weekend. He is a fellow spiritual guru. In fact, it is because of him that I know as much about the inner workings of the spirit as I do now. We were talking about the subject of attraction & relationships of people in general. We were talking about the difference one feels when he/she finally truly connects with another kindred spirit. When you finally find a vibration of an individual that you truly resonate with. He pointed out how after a certain point of enlightenment, the things you gravitate towards become irrevocably changed. How physical attraction becomes wholly secondary to one’s personal aura. He was blowing my Mind with sheer eloquence:
Why build anything in Life if the smallest disturbance will bring it all crashing down?
If it seems like you’re wasting your Time—it’s because You are.
I’m after Pyramids. I’m after something timeless…
Damn. Chasing after Pyramids. What a magnificent collection of ideas & words. Essentially, the pursuit of Infinity. Genius!
It’s amazing really what the metaphor a Pyramid signifies. Timeless, classic, & persistent in its will to exist. Even with today’s technology, it would be impossible to construct such a monument with such exact measurements, proportions, & durability. Yet here they are standing as testaments to the Ages. Even its geometric qualities have been proven by science to be perfect conduits of energy—stating that the flow of electromagnetic currents flows seamlessly without obstruction around, within, up & through such a divine shape. Many who travel there say that just feeling of the area is very unique & unworldly. It’s astounding that they’ve been in existence for thousands upon thousands of years. Just like Love, they are eternal in nature. Tis a monument that passionately gives the gifts of its magnificence to generations upon generations upon generations of people. In its ability to persevere through Time, it allows lucky individuals such as You & I to create & share experiences. It’s all so exceedingly humbling. In that regard, a Pyramid offers a type of Passion & timeless Love like no other. In a way, they are a monument to Romance.
And that is what I Desire—to Create monuments of Romance over & over again in my Life. I crave to inject a timeless quality into all that I pursue & experience. From intellectual pursuits, career paths, spiritual enlightenment, sexual ascension & prowess, worldly travel, etc. My dreams were always grander than most. And I’ll be damned if I don’t materialize them. And I know that in order for my Life to become a grand & romantic monument, then I must become a monument of Romance myself. And that is why I seek Death. This old raggedy Body & Mind are inadequate for such grand architecture.
This old shell is too laden with old emotions, scars & memories. I can’t fully ascend because they tether me down. Even with as much as I’ve healed & changed, their chains are still too binding. They are tied down to subconscious depths so deep that even I can’t fully comprehend them. Such is the curse of the Creative Spirit—the same mystical & mysterious depths that empower it can also serve to drain it. Those chains have made me weak. Less passionate. Less masculine. I have squeezed out much strength & many lessons from it all, but I now know that it’s all worthless in the grand scheme everything. My joy, pain, grief, sorrow, pleasure, intensity—time to burn it all down. Time to finally build something greater. Something much more monumentally Romantic.
My divine purpose is clear. I was placed on this Earth to heal. I’ve spent intimate time with Pain & Death so that I may better understand their true natures. In this time I’ve acquired many loving gifts. Gifts of dance, massage, medicine, food, language, visual artistry, & fitness. And it is through these gives that I shall penetrate any boundaries I come across & fill each space & person with Love. I will dissipate Fear of Loss, Pain, and/or Death. I will be utterly relentless & ferocious with the gifting of my Love. And in doing so I shall help further saturate the colors & vibrancy of Life. These gifts will take me around the World. I will be a harbinger of all that is Timeless & Romantic.
I am hopelessly driven. Been talking to dancers, instructors, studio owners, pharmacists, spirit guides—fuck you name it. Life’s becoming more & more loving by the moment. And I can’t wait for the day when I’ll be able to stand fully erect with my Divine Purpose & ravish it completely. I have learned from personal experience that I was cheating my own Life by running from the Death of this current Me. Now I welcome it completely. I am now passionately chasing it down. I want to Die. Die so I can start building something better in its place. Die so I can start building those Pyramids. Die so I can commence building those eternal monuments of Romance.
Crazy how all of these words manifest themselves. I’m not even thinking really. My mind & fingers are more or less effortlessly translating the experiences of my Heart. Reading over this again, this is more or less an extension to my Wicked Love Letters & Games post. More of my drab Life story pretty much haha.
Been waking up around 7am every single day. No alarm clock. Feeling superlatively grand. Still feelin that strained muscle in my back but it’ll heal fully soon. My head is much better too. And when all that is done, I can then focus my full meditative energy towards my Death…
It’s true what they say in Fight Club:
Self-improvement is masturbation. Self-destruction is the key.
I guess I’m just through masturbating xD HAHAHAHA. Up until about a half-year ago, I was physically, spiritually, & emotionally drained, detached, lifeless & impotent. And it wasn’t so much that I was super depressed or what not—it was more so that I didn’t feel this incredible zest for Life that I once had. I was feeling incredibly average. It’s not like I was clinically or manically depressed or anything (well maybe for that first year), but I was feeling exceedingly mediocre. And that to me was just as bad. Even despite all the crazy times I had during this time, from drug induced threesomes to impromptu road-trips, I just wasn’t fully there.
It was like I was watching things from the third person. Watching Life unfold for someone else. There was nobody there. I was absent. Life was bland. Colorless. Essentially I had no real human contact for years because nothing or nobody was getting through to Me. All because there was no Love in my Life. No Love until recently that is…
Fast forward to now. This resurgence of the truest form of my Spirit is seriously mind boggling. So much internal shifting going on that by the end of most days, I was so fatigued that I just wanted to sleep. My body just wasn’t mirroring how I felt within.
I’ve discovered the cure though. I had assumed a lot of the ailments I was suffering from were just my body going through the shock of such drastic internal changes. After reading through some psychological journals & meditation manuals, I learned that repressed emotions can lead to physical manifestations of anxiety. After much research, as well as expressing & confessing some very strong emotions & sensations this past week, I discovered that there was a bunch of emotional residue present within me.
Anyways, I realize now that a lot of my current pains had to do with residual emotional stress I was still carrying from past traumas. I’ve had a pretty epic ride to this point in my Life. And I gotta say that I’m over all of it. None of it makes me special. None of it entitles me to any preferential treatment. I hate pity anyways.
And I gotta say that I could have totally turned out far less awesome than I currently am HAHA. Like I said, I’m as stubborn as a mule. I don’t listen to nobody but me!! And Me was saying to myself that I could be much better than what my circumstances were dictating.
The point is that I was carrying around a lot of tension. Some of my muscles were just tense 24/7 which was causing undue stress on my body & heart. I just couldn’t relax to save my Life! Also, my habit of overworking my body without properly resting & nourishing it afterwards. The results were chronic fatigue, pulled muscles, mental lapses, & even impotence. Done treating myself like schitt. Now I’ve become attuned on exactly how to treat myself again. I know how to Love myself even better now.
Also, through tantric meditational practices I’m discovering how to fully inhabit my own body again. I had spent so much time in the realm of the Mind & Spirit that I forgot how to listen to the subtle messages the body emits. Within the past couple weeks I’ve been meditating on becoming fully present with it. To be fully present with my eyes, my head, my neck, my lungs, stomach, my butt, my legs, my genitals. To breath in fully into the openness of my front & exhale up & through the spine. To cycle this energy seamlessly so that my spiritual energy can plow through any tensions so that I can remain in a constant state of relaxed strength. Trying to tune in to what it’s saying regarding hunger, rest, pain, sleep & sexual desire. Rebirth is no joke. It really is like learning everything all over again.
My body’s changed. I can feel that my muscle & bone structure have been altered drastically. Hell, I’m actually even more muscular & sculpted than I’ve ever been. All without a regular workout regimen too! It’s wild!
It’s quite the task to be both Spiritually aware & Physically aware at once. Most inhabit only one space. I’m trying to do both. At times it’s almost as if I can feel things twice as much. Add those sensations to the contrast to who I was & it’s a head trip. That’s why I’ll be happy to finally kill myself so that I can inhabit a new Me much more efficiently. When I finally finish killing off this current Me, then I can fully synchronize both Body & Spirit & have a more fine tuned control over the energies & sensations that course through Me. Once achieved, the essence of my male spirit will flow seamlessly from my most Passionate depths, and I will subject all & everyone I come across in this Life to the relentless gifting of my Love.
Gonna set aside some specific Me time to focus on this for a few days. Results of that meditation should prove to be quite interesting…
*UPDATE — 07/31/2012 — REVISED & UPDATED*
I hear it loud & clear as it echoes throughout the farthest corners of my Being—the constant percussion of my beating Heart. The perpetual Rhythm of Life. I don’t remember the last time I’ve been so keenly aware of its thumping. Last time I’ve been so aware of my Mortality…
It’s amazing how loud your heartbeat gets at times. It really does tend to get louder the more you ignore it. And right now it’s telling me to…
Get some fucking rest already!!
I’ve done it yet again. I’ve worked myself to the bone. I’ve expended so much energy for the sake of my pursuits (as well as for the sake of others) that I wonder if I’ve left enough for myself. I’ve probably been running on empty for a while now—it’s just that I’ve only now just noticed.
Noticed how Human I still am…
The invincibility I’d been feeling for months now has finally worn off a bit. My limitless fuel tank had been punctured & now I suffer from a fuel leak.
Punctured? Fuel leak? How did all this happen? Let’s discuss it shall we?
For the past few months, I’ve been flying & zipping around the world like a goddamn Superhero. Each & every single day of my Life had become so ridiculously intense & unreal that it sounds almost made up at times. Ask anybody who knows me, & while they’ll agree that it’s all fucking insane, they’ll also say that it’s all ridiculously true. Recently however, this Superhuman Flight of mine has been grounded. I’ve been tethered down by multiple factors, but mainly by two things—Pain & Fatigue. Pain that pierced my sails. Fatigue that’s slowed my pace.
Pain you say? Fatigue? Tell me more…
Last week, I had received a wickedly powerful gift—the gift of genuine Pain. Not pain from a blow to my ego. Not physical pain either. No, it was nothing so trivial. It was more so a rejection of the truest form of my honest & raw awareness. A rejection of what remains after all my thoughts, emotions, & ego has been stripped away. The Me that existed the moment I was born.
I should state that it I know it was nothing personal. I’m fully aware of that. But I will also cite that it was honestly the most extraordinary pain I had felt in years. It was a deep, delicious, succulent, caustic, pervasive & subterranean bitterness that was completely impossible to shake. It creeped like a poison into my heart & pumped out through my arteries & veins, flowing like acid & burning me from the inside out. I felt the intensity of my own depths. My own Infinity. And all of it fucking hurt.
Good grief! How did this happen?!?
Simple really. Because I let it. I was going through some strange things at that point in Time. My Reality was literally unraveling. I had come to certain discoveries in Life that were flipping my perception of things completely upside down. I needed to be grounded. I needed someone to vent to. This Superman needed to point out the Kryptonite elephant in the room. Felt the need to communicate a couple of his deepest fears. In order to do so, he needed to expose his true identity. At that point he was wide open & vulnerable. He had exposed his one weak-point. He had given access to the place in his Heart that drives him to do & care as much as he does for all those around him. The place that only He knew about. The place that fuels all his Passion. The one place where he could actually hurt.
In the blink of an eye, everything went south. Felt like I had my solar plexus slashed open & had my guts hanging out. It was a sickly feeling.
When it had happened, I worked quickly to stem the damage. I basically did the spiritual & mental equivalent of first reaction emergency response treatment—I isolated the negative compound & applied the appropriate anti-venom. Years of meditation & self-introspection will allow you such a grand ability. It eroded away at the knee-jerk reactions of anger & betrayal that most other people give in to when faced with such adversity. I hold no ill will towards the both the source, nor the incident that transpired to cause it. Shit happens, right? However, the damage had already been done. There was some spiritual scarring & calcification—the area around my Heart, which I had worked so hard at softening & opening up, had now hardened more than before. In other words, my defenses were rebuilt, but are now twice as strong.
Let’s just hope they’re not too impenetrable.
This was the exact lesson I needed. The Universe brought me there to find my limits. Or rather more accurately, where my limits used to exist. It showed me how much farther I can push them. And also how much further I needed to go.
It humbled me greatly. I had become too eager. Too confident. I needed to balance my pace. Needed to be brought back down to Earth.
Through that experience, I had discovered that Superman can indeed bleed. And that is why that gloriously intense pain, was the greatest gift I had received of late. It reminded me of my Humanity.
The entire ordeal had transformed into a lesson in Patience, Forgiveness, & Love. It let me know the true depths of my strength & understanding as an individual. I handled the situation as best it could have been. I was somehow able to dissect the situation & find the real root cause. Sure, I was angry at first. But when it came time to deal with the aftermath, I made sure I wasn’t. Now certain bonds are stronger now because of it…or at least I believe they will grow to be.
I had some help in coming to the decision of forgiveness as well:
Be with it. Be with your Pain. Live with it.
Good ol’ Sally from the crystal shop. Thanks yet again Sally. You’re right. Most people flee. They don’t let the pain bleed out fully. They run & let the pain linger inside. That’s how it festers & grows. That’s how it kills them from the inside out. That’s how relationships (of all kinds) fail.
So for one day, I let it consume me. I bled out all the hurt. Or at least as much of it as I could.
I’ve been the target of much in my Life. Subject to a constant buffet of pressure, neglect, & expectation, due both to my immense potential as a person & my background as an Asian-American (and I’ll just say it out loud & clear—a lot of minority families are pretty disfunctional IMO). The fact that I showed signs of being a gifted child was compounded even more by the tough (but often misguided) love that I was constantly subjected to. I was never ever EVER really nurtured or shown affection. I learned how to survive on very little. I take nothing for granted.
I learned much on my journey to where I am now. Been through a lot. A whole fucking lot. I’ve learned how to come out better from it all. I’ve transcended the confines & molds of an ordinary person. I’ve attained a charisma & wealth of character that few ever dream of having. However, along the way I had lost something carnal. Something primal. Something so superlatively succulent & decadent that any Superior Man cannot bare to do without—physical Passion.
I lost sight of it somewhere along the way—or so I thought. I realize now it was all simply because I haven’t ever allowed myself to fully heal. To fully rest. I would force the issue. For years I was injured. For years I was in constant pain, both physically & metaphysically. I see now that I was being cut, chiseled & molded. Now I am being polished. I’m finally healing & finally getting therapy where appropriate (currently receiving therapy for scoliosis that endured for 5 years due to a car accident I was never treated for. I can’t believe I was as active as I was with that type of condition). I was wearing my body down through neglect on my quest for spiritual actualization. I’m done forcing the issue. I’m ready to listen. Ready to rest. Ready to heal.
One must have patience. One musn’t forget the other pieces of the puzzle…
Got to keep reminding myself, that this is all a process. I want to be the most complete & fulfilling man I could ever hope to be. Sometimes you lose some steps along the way. Never too late to go back & fetch what you have forgotten.
The followings of Sankofa in action yet again.
After years of study, I had discovered the joy of having an infinite Spirit. Now it was time to tie that down to a forever palatable body. I want to be just as appetizing outside as I am within. In order to accomplish that, I had to understand the truth about Desire. Real. Raw. Passionate. Desire. Such was the objective described in detail in my last post BON APPETIT.
I wanted to my desires to be independent—free from egotistical limits. Attraction in its truest application.
But damn. So much has happened in so little Time. So very much. Sometimes I wonder how I keep up with it all. Or if I’m even keeping up to begin with…
I’ve become oh so very tired. Not sad, nor weighed down by any stress. Just tired. My life is actually quite bountiful really, with something for me to be grateful for underneath, over, & in between every nook & cranny of my Life. I’ve been receiving a copious amount of feedback from multiple sources, all indicating that I have become a beacon of positivity for a lot of people. It’s all very humbling really. All signs that I am closer to the Man I’ve always dreamed of becoming…
…A man who is always willing & aware to take the path less traveled. Not a Man of Right & Wrong. But a Man of appropriate & relevant action. A truly fulfilling Man. A Superior Man.
You were like a Superhero to me kuya (big bro)…
Had a truly riveting conversation with my sister the other day. We conversed about aspirations & expectations, & how to get what you truly want out of Life. She communicated to me that she looked up to me—depended on me actually. Probably more so than I had ever realized. That line whizzed like a bullet through the air & tagged me dead center in the Brain.
Interesting. What do you mean WERE like a superhero?
I stared at her blankly in anticipation.
Simple, kuya…You jumped off of the page.
Wow. Fucking wow.
I ripped myself right out of the comic books, huh? Damn, what a trippy thought. I’ve always been able to handle more than most. I’ve had to. Nobody else would. I just wasn’t aware that anybody else noticed. I guess I’ve just always worn the proverbial cape. If I got the uniform, then I must be the guy for the job I guess.
Speakin of uniforms, I’ve always thought it’d be kinky & dope to fuck a girl while wearing a UPS delivery man uniform LOL. Went to lunch with a lady friend of mine recently, and she wholeheartedly agreed (to her surprise) with the whole idea & concept. Nothin like some good ol’ roleplay ;P Sure as hell made for some interesting conversation lol ;D
Anyways, I digress. The point is, I’m learning that if you display a certain level of aptitude, or ability to perform, people tend to expect certain things from you. Add that to the fact that I suffer from a Hero Complex & you have a recipe for extreme fatigue. Always trying the save the world simply because I feel like I know how. Often times I wonder if I’m leaving anything left to keep my own world together.
And that’s the situation I find myself in now.
I’ve been through a lot in a very very short amount of time. The Universe is condensing a whirlwind of Life changing experiences into such a small window of Time that I can barely catch my breath. Throughout all of this I found myself constantly forgetting one simple truth…
…every Superhero had a secret identity—a Human identity. An entirely endearing one at that.
I’ve always had the crazy notion that I could be more than Human. This notion that I could literally do anything I wanted. Nobody could tell me otherwise. It all stems from my insatiable lust for self-growth & my inexhaustible Imagination. There were more than a few handfuls of times these past few months where I truly did feel like a Hero out of one of my comics (a good portion of which I still own, sealed up individually in my closet **GEEK ALERT**).
When I take a step back & think about all the things I’m actually capable of, all the things I’ve done—it’s pretty goddamn astounding.
- I’ve driven through about 20 states.
- Had the unreal experience of attending Pride/Lovefest in San Francisco, CA.
- Skateboarded in Nowhere, Oklahoma (not a real city obviously but you get my point).
- Danced battled every black man in a club won & got every white girl dancing with me in Canada.
- Snuck onto the roof of a hotel & partied on a helipad in downtown LA.
- Grappled & sparred Marines for fun at a San Diego Air Base.
- Partied in Mexico, blacked out, & somehow woke up in my car at the mall in San Diego.
- Went skydiving from 15,000 ft—was given the option that morning to go & made the decision over a bowl of cereal.
- Changed a young man’s Life by introducing dance into his Life.
- Participated in gay rights rallies.
- Almost had a kid once upon a time.
- Lent somebody several hundreds of dollars, because I knew the man needed the money more than I did, all the while knowing that I would never get it back.
- Saved a young woman’s Life by nursing her back to health after a wildly irresponsible night (with no thanks to her boyfriend at the time).
- Had about a half dozen close calls with Death.
- Gained the ability to psychoanalyze people by the time I was eleven years old.
- Went to a leadership conference in Washington DC where kids from all over the world came to mingle, exchange, & learn/share Life skills.
- Scored really super high on my SATs as a kid.
- Got into university & rejected the invitation.
- Gave first aid treatment to a bicyclist who had an accident, was bleeding profusely from his head, & kept him from going into shock until the paramedics arrived.
- Had a threesome/orgy ;]
…blah blah blah the list goes on & on.
However due to this hyper potential, I sometimes forget what it’s like to be ‘normal’. To have selfish ‘needs’ & ‘wants’. For the longest time I was always focused on where I could go, rather then where I was currently at. I was focused on helping everyone else lift themselves up to a better place. After all, the Superhero is the one that does all the saving. So the question that begs to be asked is this—who saves the Hero?
Good question. Who indeed saves the Hero?
Up to this point, I haven’t come up with an answer.
I used to believe that one day, I would meet or find someone of similar nature as myself. Someone who would spur me along. A fellow super-human who understands my blights & burdens. That I would be attracted to a woman who could get any man’s blood boiling. Essentially the Wonder Woman to my Superman.
Now I’m not so sure. Perhaps what is necessary in my Life, is someone of humbler stature. Someone who is, by all positive connotation, quite ordinary. Someone who can remind me what it feels like to be human again. To have needs. To have selfish moments. To teach that it’s okay to feel lonely every now & then. It’s okay to admit to weakness. Basically a Mary Jane to my Peter Parker. The Lois Lane to my Clark Kent. Someone who will care not because of all that I do, but because of who I am. It really is quite the thought.
Who you are, huh? I don’t quite know about all that. How does that one quote go again?
It’s not who you are underneath. It’s what you do that defines you.
~Rachel (Batman Begins—2005 WB Films)
Heh, one can always dream, right? But that’s all it is at the moment—just a dream. It’s fun to dream sometimes. And even more fun to forget it all & Live. But even better than that is to internalize certain lessons, & lead a truly compelling & fulfilling life.
Find which that truly matters in Life. Hold on to it. Cherish it. Because sometimes there are no second chances.
It’s true though. Who I am will vanish when I leave this Earth. The only legacy that will endure after my Death, are the actions I took—but namely the actions I took to lift others up.
Anyways, I’m seriously so fatigued at this point. Even good things in Life can sap you dry of energy if not handled appropriately. And I’ve had a lot of good happening lately :D
But damn. I’m just so friggin exhausted…
I hate when I become this tired. I tend to start needing things that I usually don’t. Start requesting assistance from people when I normally wouldn’t. Blame it on my prideful Tiger nature, or solitary Cancer predisposition—but I’m not used to needing people. Tigers are solitary hunters. Cancers are lone wanderers. I don’t depend on anybody but Myself. It’s made Life easier in many ways. And far less disappointing. Besides, I’m really not sure who to go to at times. Sure, there are a few ideas as to who, but nothing a hundred percent sure at this point. It’s rare when I ask for help…
One is indeed the loneliest number, but I’m not even sure I know what loneliness feels like. If one’s never really had company, how does one really know true extents of that luxury?
Reminds me of something that was said to me the other day. I was out on the town with the same lady friend of mine. Beautiful girl really. Well read, intuitive & intelligent, so it’s no surprise she gave me something to ponder. We were speaking about some mutual friends of ours (a couple) & how some people just don’t know how to be alone with themselves. Their argument centered around him never being able to just have a quiet moment. He always had to have someone there, & if she was unavailable, he went out & raged. She told me her friend said this to him (her boyfriend) during an argument:
You just don’t know the joys of being alone.
The joys of being alone. Wow. I never thought of it that way. It’s an interesting thought for sure. I think it’s safe to say that I’m aware of those joys. I’m comfortable in my own skin. To be honest, I’m not sure if I know joys beyond that.
Am I lonely? No, I don’t think so. I’m just independent. There’s a stark difference between being lonely & being alone…right? Or maybe I just don’t ever allow myself space for anyone else. Allow space to feel the need for others. Maybe I lack trust—trust in others. Damn. So many questions now…
Trust issues. We all have them. I just sometimes feel like the only one willing to deal with them. Deal with not only the symptoms—but the problems.
So as all these questions wade through my head (and they really won’t stay there long), I allow myself to drift away. The connections in my Life will stretch out & strain a bit as I distance myself from a World that I had become so intimately involved & immersed in for the past few months. I now let myself wistfully float off into the horizon.
A Demi-god reduced to a mere Mortal. I’ll walk around around grounded to Earth for a while. The Heavens can wait. I’ve spent too much of these past couple years with my head in the clouds. Time to be amongst the people again.
I’ll close off this post with a quote from one of my favorite movies of all time—Troy. A line that rings home true every time I hear it.
I’ll tell you a secret. Something they don’t teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we’re mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we’re doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.
~Achilles; portrayed by Brad Pitt in Troy (2004)
And so I’m invincible no more. I have rediscovered my own fragility. It’s a beautiful thing. Though the Universe has recently allowed me an immersion with Life, I feel like I am ready to embrace it even more so & take my Life to unprecedented levels. But first things first. I need a damn break. A rest period. A well deserved hibernation. The Spirit may be willing, but the flesh is indescribably weak right now. And I sure as hell am tired of feeling tired. Time to catch up on some well deserved rest. Catch up on some sleep. Take a well needed vacation cruise through Dreamland. And maybe, through those dreams, I can really rediscover the joys of what it’s like to be only human.
Man, I’m beat. Motha-fucking beat. Can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so tired. This 3-4 hours of sleep per day is def not cutting it. It’s all catching up to me now. I can feel my body failing on me. I’m not nourishing myself enough to handle everything that I’m taking on either. I def need to take some time off & focus on me for a while. My Spiritual & Intellectual self may be it prime tip-top shape, but my Physical self is not handling all that well (which is strange because many have been saying that I look like I’m in the best shape I’ve been in a while. YAY beach body!!!) I’m well over due for a Rest & Recovery period.
I need to get back on my diet from years before. I started doing yoga again recently. I’d like to make that a normal part of my Life again. I did pilates/yoga under the tutelage of a ballet instructor years ago & I remember how awesome I felt after that. Time to jump back on the horse once I’m rested enough.
This was a very intriguing piece to write. Writing usually helps me sort out a lot of things that would normally crash around in my head. This time however, I’m not sure how much this really helped. It feels more like I’m stating things I already knew. What are some of those things? Well, I know I need rest for sure. I need to nurture & nourish myself better. I might even take a break from dance (except from teaching of course) for a little bit. The body can’t learn if it hasn’t fully recovered, & I’ve banged my head against the wall for waaaay too long now.
I also know that I might need more selfish time. I’ve had a good bit of opportunities flow by because I’ve felt needed somewhere else. And by the time I’m free to capitalize, I find that I’m waaaay to tired to do me :/
Also, I feel those hungers growing immensely. The same hungers I mentioned in BON APPETIT. I’ve been getting repeated feedback from people, both new & old, that I’ve been unimaginably charming of late. I don’t know how true that is, but I do notice certain changes in my behavior. I’ve been snappier. Snarky even. Saying & doing somewhat controversial things. Pushing the envelope. I feel that my edginess has come back (probably due to all I’ve been through). In other words, this Stella has got his groove back HAHAHAHA. Now if I can just get enough goddamn rest to make use of it all. It’s crazy, all the social ‘techniques’ & schitt that I used to pore over are now nothing—I’ve internalized it all. It’s just part of who I am now. I’ve been so concerned with ascension & what not, that I was struggling with how to translate that into something more tangible. Something more primal. More physical. I think being grounded was exactly what I needed (it’s no coincidence that my gemstone attributed to all that broke in half recently).
Anyways, I’m bout to go see the new Batman finally. Tried to go twice already & failed. I gotta say though, the women of SD are out in FULL FORCE at the theaters. It’s like 1950s Robin would no doubt say:
HOLY SMOKES & GADZOOKS BATMAN!!! LOOK AT ALL THAT ASS!!!
I haven’t felt my eyes wander this much in sooooo long. I fear I might be beginning to go girl crazy again O_O Who knows? To be honest I don’t care if I am or not. Come what may in Life.
First things first though. Rest. Rest. Rest. This next month is gonna be a crazy one. I needa prime my body before anything else. Priorities. Mojo can come later. I won’t make any decisions in Life until I get rid of this constant buzzing/ringing in my head.
…Ringing & buzzing? Fuck. I def need more sleep. Anyways, off to the movies now!! Here’s three cheers to being Human!!
Hip Hip Hurray!! Hip hip hurray!!! Hip hip hurr….……..zzzzzZZZZZZZzzzz *snooooore*
PS: I felt the Thor image up top was truly really fitting. I couldn’t have come up with a better cover image for this post. Tee Heeeeeee!!! o(^_^)o
I can feel it. This permeating sensation. Growing. Multiplying. Gnawing away at my bones. A hunger. A desire for which I have deprived myself from for quite sometime. Like a monk or any other devout man, I was fasting—fasting in hopes of discovering the true nature of Universe & that which man truly hungers for—Peace of Mind.
The fast is almost over now. My appetite for Life is burgeoning.
And it’s no coincidence that more & more Life is falling into my lap. I can feel it. When I allow myself to surrender to my higher self, I wind up attracting all that I desire into my Life.
It’s not a new thing for me. I discovered this ability pretty early on in Life. I was aware of the Laws of Attraction & Rules of Engagement pretty early on as an adolescent. The rules apply to the manifestation of all things. Careers. Passions. Relationships.
It’s not too difficult to crack the code when one gets out of his or her own way. Life is always offering up a gorgeous & delectable buffet of sensations. You just can’t make the mistake of thinking you’ll be served—you pretty much need to bring your own plate.
I seemingly knew all of this before, yet I allowed myself to bask in ignorance & sabotage my successes. I played dumb at times. I wouldn’t follow through on certain paths of Life. I was awkward & intriguing at the same time. But why? Why waste all this time? Why not just indulge? I’ve finally come to terms with the reason. Allow me to explain.
You see, most go about Life focusing on the How.
- How can I feel a rush?
- How can I feel good about myself?
- How can I become good at something?
- How can I stop from being depressed
- How can I become more attractive?
- How can I make a difference?
- How can I find true Love?
I was never too concerned with the How. I always seemed to understand that if one wanted something badly enough, then the How would present itself eventually.
And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
So my biggest concern in Life was not so much How—but the Why?
Why? Why? Why?
Every time I asked myself that question, I found a new answer—& I hated each & every result. I would always end up with some bitter finding about my own inadequacies. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve stumbled upon more favorable discoveries. I allowed myself to dance with my devils for a while, until the shame & awkwardness went away. It’s no coincidence that I’ve since had a personal rebirth.
Many people indulge in things out of causality.
- I’ve had a long day, I need a beer.
- All my friends are going out, so I’ll go out too.
- I’m lonely, so I want a boyfriend/girlfriend to complete me.
- I’m unhappy with what I have, so I’ll make enough money to rent happiness.
- I heard that this was the cool thing to do, so I’m gonna do it.
- I’m depressed, so I’m gonna go eat my feelings away.
It’s all pretty much Monkey-See & Monkey-Do.
Basically all of those function along the premise of cause & effect. Very rarely are there people who exist that indulge not to escape, but rather indulge to do just that—indulge. In civilizations & societies past, this pastime existed only for the privileged & the devout (aka rich noble men/women & monks). The rest were suppressed & oppressed. But now times have changed. The playing field is more level than ever before.
However, old habits die hard. A lot of mindsets & traditions are still ass backwards. And a lot of people these days still can’t deal with themselves. And it’s not simply because they can’t, but also because there are just way too many distractions nowadays.
I don’t like who I see in the mirror, but perhaps if I fill my Life up with enough distractions (facebook, instagram, smart phones, cars, money, etc), then hopefully I’ll never have to look myself in the face for too long.
I woke up one day suddenly aware of all that. Years ago. It fucked with my head for years.
It’s not about YOUR experience. It’s about THE experience.
To want. To desire. To crave. To hunger for something simply because of it’s intrinsic nature. To hunger for the sake of being hungry. To Desire lovingly simply because the Heart is moved. Not because someone else says so. Not because it is chic. Not because it garners you favorable public opinion. Not because it assuages the guilt you feel for former transgressions. But because you are truly & unequivocally okay with that feeling of Desire. Strive to forget the self & embody all the it means to exist in that instance of Time. That is the Why that I’ve been searching for all this time.
I’ve said it before, & I’ll continue to be a broken record until it stops occurring or until I run out of gratitude (which is never haha), but I have NOT had a normal day for the past 2-3 months. Everyday something glorious occurs. Either I acquaint myself with new epiphanies & discover beauty in places I had overlooked, or I am introduced or reacquainted with an ally in this conquest for a more loving lifestyle.
The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.
~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Anyways, I was conversing with one such person. An old friend. The Universe led us our separate ways & saw fit to finally reunite us. We played a few rounds of Catch-Up. Filled me in on his Life, his Lovelife, & everything in between. These words left a stamp on my Brain:
I was really thinking about it. I was asking myself, when was the last time I was truly happy? Happy while being alone?
Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful question.
And I realized it was when I was dancing!
Congrats mon ami. Congrats on finding your true core value :] I applaud you in finding your reason for being. You dance not because it brings you happiness, but because you become happiness itself. You inspire me. Thank you, sir.
I mentioned before that I came up on a new gig—teaching dance class at a well known studio. I’m subbing for a friend who is currently travelling the world. He’s been taught by the best & has world class skills. I admire him greatly. I am humbled he trusts my expertise. I didn’t believe myself to be qualified, but out of respect to my friend’s judgement, I took the offer. Before I agreed to take on his class, I made sure he promised me some time to go over some techniques & philosophies. I posed to him this question:
“What fuels you? What gives you such conviction? Your movements are so strong—I can tell that you believe in everything that you’re expressing…I mean I have those moments, too. I know I’ve practiced hard. I’ve felt it—I’ve been in the zone. It’s just I don’t know how to constantly STAY in the zone. I know it’s more of a mental issue than a physical one. I guess my question is this: how the hell do you stay so damn consistent?”
My friend regards me for a second. Looks down at the ground, then up towards the stars. I can tell my question hit home.
“Oohhh. Okay. Yeah, I get what you’re asking. Hmmmm…”
He strikes a basic popping pose. For those who know, it was Fresno style.
“Okay. Say you have this angle right? You have to say this to yourself, “This right here—this is fucking it! There is nothing else. This is all there FUCKING is.””
Hahaha. I had never heard him curse so much.
“If you commit 100% of yourself to each move, then the next move will just naturally occur out of that. It will just move itself.”
“Yeah, that’s interesting that you say that. That’s a very contemporary approach to popping.”
“Yeah, I watch a lot of other styles: ballet, modern, etc. I took a dance history class, too. That helped a lot.”
I made a comment on how rare that perspective is in the popping community. He offered up the perfect reply.
“You have to really love your dance. Treasure each instance. Each move. A lot of people don’t do that. They tend to rush through it. People take their own dance for granted, & so I guess that’s why they can’t appreciate other people’s dancing.”
Damn. No wonder he’s so good. He is strong as a person & thus is strong as a dancer. He knows his purpose. He knows himself. He knows his dance. And through this intense knowing, there is a Love that naturally flows through these veins of awareness. He does not worry about the next moment. He focuses only on what is. Leave it to him to offer up some deep insights on not just dance—but Life in general.
Damn, you asshole!! Just when I think I’m starting to catch up, you manage to drop some knowledge bombs on me haha.
He’s right though. Too many take their current moments for granted. Too many focus on the hungers they will suffer in the future, & do not give enough thought of the hungers they feel now. They value only the gather, but not the hunt. People’s lives these days are filled with too many hormones & preservatives, & I don’t mean just with food.
Take a tiger for example. Tigers don’t sit on their latest catch. They don’t stick their sources of nourishment with chemicals & preservatives. They don’t try to cheat their way toward their next meal. They nourish themselves appropriately & prepare for the next hunt. They stay primed & ready, constantly flowing through the cycles of hunger & fulfillment. They keep only what they can Kill.
People try to amass & store rations, consume things that aren’t truly healthy. And so they remain malnourished from every aspect, whether physical, mental, and/or spiritual. The line between being malnourished & starving is razor thin. One can be full, but still be unhealthy. In other words, you can either be fulfilled—or just plain full of schitt.
In regards to all hungers in life, I don’t care too much for synthetic rations or quick fixes. I seek that natural sweet & savory decadence. Want to sink my teeth into the succulent sultriness of each moment. Drink up the sweet nectar of the present.
Rather than emotionally indulge, one should indulge emotionally.
I choose to bask in my Hunger. Wallow in my Desire. I want to nourish those Cravings. To tease & test them. I don’t want any anesthetic. I want those pangs of pain to embellish the lavishness of indulgence.
Even if I satiate my hungers, I’m bound to grow hungry again anyways. In other words, I want to be a healthy man with an equally healthy & shameless appetite. And if I come from a place of all knowing gratitude, if I can lovingly nourish myself, then hopefully I can help nourish those around me as well. No shame. Just Love. Just loving Desire.
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.
~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Before I close out this post, I want to share another small anecdote. More food for thought.
I frequent this store in Old Town San Diego that specializes in imported charms, gemstones, & crystals. I have grown extremely close to one of the store keepers there—Sally is her name. A genuine spirit & kindred soul. We’ve technically just met, but I feel as though I’ve known her for ages. Anyways, I spoke to her of how I had abstained from certain things in Life, because I wanted to find a better Me. I told her my appetite for Life is voracious, & that I knew how to acquire the means to satiate those desires pretty damn easily. I knew that if I didn’t find a more loving place to hunger from, then I could potentially lose myself. As always, when we speak, she shares with me some cosmic wisdom:
If you can fast foward really far or go back in time just as far…not to Conception, but to the Origin…of all things…
Or when you are a baby, or when you become really really old, you are free from social constraints. Free from taboo. Free from all shameful thoughts. All you are is existing at that point. At that point, all you are is—for lack of a better term—Love.
So, don’t feel like you need to ‘earn’ something or prove that you deserve it. There should be no guilt. And if there is, then it isn’t real.
You don’t need to prove your Love to the Universe, because at one point in time, you already did—by existing. By being born pure.
~Sally, South American Imports in Old Town
I really truly am grateful. I am surrounded by powerful & positive beings. My Life is full of inspiration & potential. I am a reflection of all that is good in Life. Thank you to everyone who continually believes & supports me. I am just a vessel comprised of all your positive energies.
One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.
~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Life is a blessed feast for the Mind, Body, & Soul. Bring your appetite, bring your loved ones, & leave your shame at home.
Gotta say, I really liked the theme of this one. It all kind of just wrote itself too. I really am grateful to Life for giving me material to express. I live a blessed Life. I’m not where I want to be yet, but I’m enjoying every step of the way. Life is short, but I have a long & loving one ahead of me.
I finally managed to pick up a copy of The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. It truly is a wonderful read. Easy read too! I got through half of it in one sitting! It’s definitely one of those books that you’ll find yourself going back to again & again. Such sweet philosophical overtones dripping from each & every page. Seriously, language is the greatest creation man has ever realized. I really do love reading. RDG are my initials, too! So it all makes sense.
And yes, I feel my energy just growing. I feel the forces of attraction just pulling things & people in my direction. I’m growing stronger in each facet of Being. My Body is finally healing & growing stronger. My Mind is perpetually expanding. And my Spirit is compounding upon itself with each & every humbling epiphany.
I can feel it, too. The attractiveness growing from a true & real place. I’m pretty much bringing sexy back haha (wuttup JT). I’m working multiple jobs this summer, got three books I wanna finish before the month is up, teaching a dance class, & who knows what else.
But when this metamorphosis is complete…Damn.
I can only imagine the extent of the Lifestyle I’ll be living. The manifestation of the Romantic Lifestyle I’ve always dreamed. I’ll be the embodiment of my Desires, my Dreams, & my Passions. Nothin sexier than that IMO. Also, I can’t wait for the Dream, the Her, & the Future to all be in my grasp one day. Chasin the Sun & it’s lookin bright for sure B)
So I was cruisin around the streets of Facebook town today and came across a status monument
Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.
Needless to say, this status sparked a lot of comments:
-Theres no such thing as destiny
-There is such a thing as destiny….it changes everyday with the choices you make.
-How can you say that is destiny when it is changing everyday when destiny is suppose to be predetermined and inevitable no matter what you do your suppose to be “destined” to do soo or you are “destined” for smething thats just complete bullshit sorry that my own personal opinon dont mean to offend anyone
-I dont buy into the “destiny is predetermined” thing. you make your own destiny by the choices you make everyday. anyone that believes their destiny is predetermined has no control over their own life and has been brainwashed. i have control over my life and therefore can change my own destiny. it may not be specific as “im going to be a pilot” or something. i know my destiny involves taking over the world, in some fashion or another.
-There is a destiny & it doesn’t change. Its death.
As of late, I feel like I’ve been plugged directly back into the cosmic flow of the universe. Yeah, yeah, I know. I sound like some New Age hippie. But the more I learn about science, and the more I experience all the “random coincidences” that occur for me each day, more convinced I am that nothing happens by accident.
This is the comment(s) I ended up leavin on my buddy’s status:
Nothing happens by accident. If you take into account the insurmountable amount of variables at work in any given instance in time (or what we as humans perceive as time), each event no matter the size or magnitude, causes ripples (via butterfly effect) that affect & alter countless other possible outcomes.
So if u think about each & every possibility…it’s fucking CRAZY how that ONE outcome happened & NOT the others.
Now THAT to me is Destiny. Nothing is an isolated instance. Nobody is an isolated person.
Thoughts compounded by thoughts, words compounded by words, actions by actions, habits by habits, character by character…
The sheer facts of probability that we’re we’re all viewing/commenting on this status when we could choose not to or do other things instead…that’s some cosmic destiny schitt on the real.
Now where’s that J i left lyin around HAHA.
HAHAHA. Damn I’m good.
To be honest however, I am slightly shocked by the answer I came up with. It’s a bit overwhelming to consciously think along those parameters. Nothing becomes drole or boring. Everything becomes gloriously epic.
There are two ways to live Life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
I feel the history, the romance, the tragedies, the joys, & the fears of everyone & anyone who’s ever experienced anything. I understand that my emotions are not completely my own. They are shared. They are reflected.
I feel my Being be stretched, expanded, & explicated. The Universe of who I am is compounding upon itself over & over. The immense Depth I feel within is—almost mildly terrifying. I’m in a direct free-fall towards my own infinity.
The framework upon which my Mind operates on now is bewildering even to me at times. I stagger at the sheer concept of Life itself. It’s all so fucking profound. I feel closer now to the teachings of the ancient scribes of Babylon, of Mayan civilizations, of Egypt, of Mesopotamia…
They all understood how intricately connected we all are. They were aware of the details of Life that we all seem to undermine in this current society. I mean damn, we still mention those civilizations on the regular even now, so they must have done something right.
The knowledge & wisdom I now harness has been passed down through silent & almost inaudible whispers. They’re always there if you know how to listen. I know for a damn fact I didn’t learn all this from a book. Epiphanies paving the way for more epiphanies. It’s causing me as a person to resonate & radiate. Everywhere I go, I know people can feel it. It’s evident in the number of people approaching me each & every day.
I’m at a loss at times. Not a fear of loss. More of a loss of Fear. I have little to no doubt or insecurities left regarding myself. Because in the end, I know I don’t matter. What I accomplish does. I have complete Trust in everything I’m embarking on. Superlative confidence. And it’s still building.
Life’s a trip. Everyone & everything is falling into place. At times I feel like I’m watching all this occur from a third person perspective. Like I’m being propelled, compelled, & guided by something Greater. So again, I relinquish control (of which I understand I have little of to begin with). I trust in the skills, the wisdom, & the experiences I’ve acquired. They’ll be more than enough for me to conquer whatever I need to along this journey towards success.
As I said, I’m freefalling towards my own Infinity. I’ll jus enjoy the ride & let my Mind keep babbling on about Babylon. Babblin’ on, about Bablyon, all while free-falling down.