Forever Young & Grateful
Damn. I seriously feel like one of the luckiest fuckers in the world. I have so much to be thankful for. Great first day at my hospital internship. I love the environment. I like the people I’m meeting. And god damn!! The West Wing of the 6th floor ICU ward has sooooooooooo many hott ass nurses haha. And they’re hella friendly too. I’m def gonna enjoy my time there haha.
Anyways, I’ve been surrounded by good vibes all around. The latest came in the form of even more kind words. A good friend & mentor of mine just started spewing words of kindness to me, without any real reason other than genuine gratitude:
Thank you so much for being at my birthday. And just for being there in general and for your support. If it wasn’t for you guys, I probably wouldn’t be dancing still. I’m so glad to have met your generation of dancers. And you especially have always been so welcome of me. Love you. *muah*
Fuck man. My heart pretty much melted. The hip-hop dance queen of San Diego just laid me out with a haymaker of kindness. I look up to this woman so much. Older black woman with a heart of pure gold. She has a lot of love to give and she’s an incredible talent. She also just turned 48 but does not look a single fucking day over 30. I mean gdamn this woman is fit as fuck. She even fitness models. Jeezus. I wanna be like her when I get older. She’ll brag about her age to anybody. It’s easy to do that when you still get carded for buying alcohol. Jeezus…
Keep dancing. It keeps you young.
Will do miss. And thank you for setting a magnificent example of how awesome we can all grow to be. Gah. Life is fucking sweet.
In Loving Color
Quite an interesting day yesterday. Interesting week actually…
Human interaction is so deliciously intriguing. I’ve had quite a bit of it over these past couple weeks. Increasingly so because the circumstance of my Life are changing.
Some words from last night immediately come to mind:
It’s so good to see you! Awww actually it’s always good to to see you…I love running into you because you have just such a positive energy!
Those words pinged something within. Like footprints on the roads of my memories. It’s probably partly due to who it was coming from as well. She had more to say.
Thank you so much sharing with me :) For sharing all your passion & knowledge
Haha well you know, I’m just returning the favor ;)
What? How?
Well somebody had to get me started. Or did you forget that I did take your class for like a couple years!
Hahaha awwww *hugs*
:)
Gratitude & validation from someone whom I had admired & even idolized (and crushed on haha) so much so at one point in my Life. That moment seemed to affirm something deep within.
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I went to a local dance competition yesterday. I ended up winning the entire thing. I came in there & established my focus & posture as soon as I walked through the door. Guess I must have been giving off quite the vibe because even before I started dancing people were coming up to me & saying hello as if I was running the place lol.
I came to the event with the right people. Great support & company. Good to look back in my corner see the faces that were there. I’m lucky indeed.
I’m so glad ur entering this thing with me man…I fuckin idolize you!
Haha please don’t.
I got there with a good amount of support. I left the event with even more.
—I’m so happy I got to battle you! Sooo glad you were the one I lost to.
—Hey are you gonna come out to more of these?! You totally should!!
—I saw your last round! You’re amazing! You need to teach me!
—Hey I really like your boogaloo. You’ve got quite the hips ;D
—You have a new fan. My nephew was watching and he said he really liked you. He said “I really like the red hat guy!”
—Hey man I really like your house dancing. Fuckin love that shit. Respect.
—Congrats! You’re sooo amaaazing!
Thank you. Sincerest & humblest gratitudes.
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I did not sleep last night. Partied hard. I felt like celebrating. And there was a lot to celebrate for sure. My victory. My new start in healthcare. And oh—my good friend’s massive birthday bash. Incredibly fun affair. Everything from costume costests (70s theme), to performances, to Soul Train lines, & line dancing. And then towards the end schitt got reeeaaaaaalll ratchet really quick haha.
Didn’t get home till mebbe 1pm today. Awake for close to 30 hours. Dancing for probably 20 of em. Needless to say, I knocked out haaarrrd.
Went to hang out with the bday gal at a diner after the club, then met up at a get together at my friend’s place after. Ended up getting down in my friend’s studio/garage.
Great mirrors. Great lighting. Great music. Great people.
We had a cypher going. It was a surreal exchange. Tribal in nature. And all about elevating & challenging each other. It was unreal how we were all just feeding off the energy in the room. It was like a pressure cooker of luscious creative mastery. One could literally feel themselves elevating, improving, in both body & mind by just sitting in the space we all shared. I thoroughly enjoy how we all bring out the best in one another. Always challenging each other…
Many beautiful words were exchanged.
—You know we’re all really lucky to have what we have. The connection that we all do. We all challenge, inspire, & motivate each other constantly. Like seriously, look around and think about how talented each of us are. And the fact that we’re all still pushing harder…it’s amazing.
—When you talk to your other friends, it’s a bit strange isn’t it? It’s like you can feel how disconnected they are.
—You want to go running, change your diet, take an African class, do yoga, make music, or just plain improve something about yourself—I can always count on one of you to either join in or genuinely support it.
—You have other friends. Or acquaintances really. You party with. Go out get drinks with. Whatever. You’re friends for mebbe like 5, 10 years…and then you drift apart. And it’s cuz they stop growing and you didn’t. Or you guys just grow differently. I don’t experience that with you guys.
—We all came from different stories, struggles… but because of those initial differences…we all grew closer over time. And people around us can see that. Everywhere we go people respond to us. And we’re not even a crew. We’re all just friends :)
—Most people are just ignorant. That’s all it is really. That’s as good as it gets. It’s like living in black & white vs. living in color. Plus, with us we don’t need to convince each other to change. We all want it for ourselves. And for each other. And that’s why it works. There’s no egos here, no hard feelings. Those who get it—get it. Those who don’t—just don’t. And it’s pretty obvious we all get it.
—I wouldn’t be in the shape I’m in, the artist I am, the dancer I am, or even the person I am if I didn’t have you guys.
—Yeah, we’re definitely better when we all get together :) Like look what we all accomplished tonight. We brought the best out of each other. And that best is always getting better.
I’m lucky. I’m honored. I’m humbled. I have the most talented, motivated, intellectual, beautiful, open, honest, & authentic group of friends that anyone could ever hope for.
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I am part of something greater. It’s not just about me. I mean it never truly was to begin with. That’s the mistake a lot of us make. We believe that we are alone in this existence. Nothing could be farther from the truth. None of us are special. But we’re all definitely unique. We are all just elements of existence destined to interact. Some do it destructively. Those who know better do it constructively. I am extremely grateful that I have people who not only bring color to my Life, but bring improvement to it also. People I can grow with. Not just enjoy Life. But cultivate it. The best of times are yet to come.
And on that note, time to go back to sleep.
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Afterthoughts:
Strangely, I’m not as tired or fatigued as I expected. I’m most likely feeding off all the energy from the event, my friends, & the incredible work we did earlier this morning. It’s as though my body just suddenly adapted & jumped up a level. Like it finally synced up or something. Whatever it is, I don’t really care to know why. I’m just gonna ride it out till the next spike.
God damn…I am feeling INCREDIBLY inspired.
Nothing But Smiles
It’s been a fun week thus far. Quiet. A lot to do but nothing to do at the same time. It’s fun to be able to focus on nothing but living for once. Got the rest of my week lined up but I’m sure things will ebb, flow, & change.
Really excited today. Class is gonna be fun tonight and I came across the perfect mix.
Back to basics. Back to nothing. Back to smiles.
Breath of Influence
Interesting. Sudden. Unexpected. A very distinct & viscous sensation of tugging & pulling. Didn’t foresee this, yet it’s like I should have this whole time. One compelling inclination after another. And always towards this same direction. It’s like any direction away from that trajectory feels like I’m moving through molasses. The viscosity of this sensation is wildly palpable. And at times I wonder if I’m the only one who is feeling it. I’m tempted to disengage—whether out of intuition or fear I have yet to determine. I’m gonna need to meditate heavily on this. All in all, I’m very surprised.
Not sure yet if this vector will be a step forward or a step back. I just know the sense of vertigo of this feeling is strong. Definitely something that cannot be ignored. Perhaps I need time on my own so that I can fully feel out the situation without any taint of outside influence. Just gotta remember to breath in all the intuitive wisdom I can & all shall reveal itself.
I feel that it is only growing stronger by the day, for reasons yet to be determined. It’s got a force of nature all its own. It’s like surfing. Do I ride it out? Or bail? Hmmm…such a conundrum it is.
The immediate future should prove to be quite interesting…
Set Adrift
Just got an interesting phone call this morning…
…I have an interesting choice to make. Either way it gives me some free time. I think I might drift away for a bit & disappear from the world. I believe I deserve even just that much :)
#finishline #finallap
Raizing Up
Holy shit balls! Just sitting here in my room & trying to force myself to rest and a realization just hit me! In just one day (my first day actually), just one friggin day of training, I managed to:
- Do a legitimate high & clean Butterfly Twist
- 540 Kick with much more force & torque
- Do an adequate Raiz
- Do an adequate Side Swipe
- And I even did an Illusion Kick on accident
…I’ll eventually be learning how to transition & combo all of that together. I hope to get all of that & a Gainer by the time June comes around.
On top of all of that, I found out yesterday that my suspicions were correct—my right knee & hips were still fucked. The muscles around my knee had grown improperly because the tendons were still out of place due to a dislocation injury I had years back. There is pretty much no muscle on the inside portion of the knee. Also, my left hip was finally popped back into proper alignment; my sciatic nerve was being pinched causing needless muscle fatigue in my left leg.
Finally had some physical therapy done, as well as some energy healing done on it. Basically everything was literally “POPPED” back into place. It hurt like a mother fucking bitch! Some of the most excruciating physical pain I’ve felt in my Life. Thankfully everything feels like it is finally back in place & I look forward to rehabbing it properly over the summer. To think that I’ve been able to do everything that I’ve been able to do dance wise (and even life in general) with a fucked up knee, pelvis & back. Just goes how to show how stubborn I am. I don’t give up. Ever. If I want something—I mother fucking get it. Best part about everything is that Humpty Dumpty is finally getting put back together. And I’ve only just begun to tap into my full capabilities. It’s fucking mind blowing.
One of the statements I made to my training buddy/friend comes to mind:
It’s funny really. I find that as everyone around me is getting older, I find that I’m getting younger & younger.
I keep tapping into more of my own vast personal potential. My growth will be an infinite & endless creative endeavor.
Little by little all the shackles are coming off. Mental. Physical. Spiritual. Conditioning regimen is in place. Spiritual/meditative practice is set. And my mental intelligence will be challenged constantly from my new work environment. I’ll be my own source of unstoppable inspiration.
I have the right allies in place too. In regards to tricking, I’m working/training with a martial arts champion. He’s also a fellow energy healer & meditation practitioner. I look forward to all the progress I’ll be making this summer. I truly will become a mother fuckin beast. There won’t be hiding my stripes from that point onward.
#trimmingfat #sheddinglayers
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Afterthoughts:
So much shit to document. Met some new gorgeous folks who not only have great spirits, but are practitioners as well. Healed a child who had been suffering from nightmares & night terrors for the past year. Learned a new way to focus my energy from the black belt I’m training with & can now knowingly focus my chi into a single point.
…And I start my hospital clinicals in a week. Class is getting fucking insane. Enough exams to make my arteries burst. Aaaaahhhhhh Life is happening!! Hahaha! Hell. The. Fuck. Yes.
And yes the title is a play on words. A “raiz” is such a cool name for a tumbling move.
Shift Key
Craaaazy dream last night. Deepest sleep I’ve had in forever. I can feel very strong shifts. Energy is swelling everywhere. Perception is changing rapidly. Aggression, boldness, & intensity growing at higher clips. Detachment in the form of full engagement. Trimming excess fat. Polishing edges. I want my reality NOW. Anything/anyone that doesn’t come along for the ride will be left in the dust. This tiger is in full sprint…
#almostthere
Turn Signal
Wow…I take one focused solid step towards my intuitive destiny and magic happens. Truly amazing day. Got some incredible advice. Picked up some tools to help me with some situations in the very near future. Received a much needed/appreciated spiritual boost. And later put on my social face, was actually intrigued by a few ppl, & walked away tonight with a two for one. Be interesting to see what comes of this. The threads of summer are already being sown. Signs & signals are providing clarity. The pages of Life are definitely turning…
#movement
Mutual Understanding
Got home. Did some cleaning. Passed out. Woke up. It’s almost 4am. Trying to reorganize myself after this past weekend. Saturday brought extreme clarity in some ways, yet also bringing more ambiguity in others. All in all, I walked away with a lot of information. A lot of it. A whole mother fucking lot. About everything really. Even now epiphany after epiphany is streaming through my being. It’ll be interesting to sift through it all once the data stream has dissipated…
The roots of who I am are reaching far deeper than ever, making me sturdier than I’ve ever been. Meanwhile my branches are growing steadily higher. My sense of balance deepens while my capacity to be extreme & intense magnifies. Expansion both up & down. Depth as well as ascension. Yesterday especially showed me how much power & influence I really do have. I can affect people in ways most people can only dream of. I am a voodoo child indeed (Jimi Hendrix reference ftw!). The evidence is indisputable now. And it will only grow stronger from this point forward…
I’m growing more aggressive by the day. My aura growing more intense. Many things are aligning. My directives are becoming more defined. And the force of my character is exercising itself upon each new moment. The seal I placed upon myself is finally breaking. Soon I will be impossible to pin down. Impossible to tame. This summer will be an interesting one for daaaamn fuckin sure…
*At the moment of typing this, I can feel my solar plexus heating up. My solar chakra must be surging. A lot of energy is channeling upwards*
Final two weeks until school is done. Tap class will be done soon as well. The luxuries of Time & Energy will be mine once again. I won’t be so damn drained all the time anymore. Until then, I may have to go underground for a bit. Finish line is close. Need to finish strong. Fuck average. I seek to be in phenomenal shape in Mind, Body, & Spirit. Creative excellence in all facets of me. And when it comes to getting what I am destined for in Life—I will not take NO for a fuckin answer. A fully romantic reality will be mine for the taking.
My psyche is still tingling from all the information I received. From all the truths that have revealed themselves to me. Not all is pristine & clear, but most of it at least. I’m grateful for the authenticity. Part of me wants to be fearful (especially because of how out of the norm certain factors are). But strangely enough I am not. It’s okay that I don’t have all the answers right now. I know my value. I know my place. And so to you dear Universe, I address you directly when I say…
…I understand. It’s cool. I completely understand.
Weekend was exactly what I needed. Time to finish strong.
#noexcuses #rested #focused
Numbers Game
Felt uncharacteristically bored & restless today. I think it’s because I’m finally not as tired as I usually always fucking am. That endless sense of fatigue I usually harbor is dissipating the closer I get to the finish line. Feelin pretty talkative too so hit up anyone & everyone that I haven’t spoken to in forever. I was a social beast before, so my social rampage ended up being bigger endeavor than I first anticipated. Man, woman, child, and/or beast—the list just seemed to go on. Needless to say I ended up embroiling myself in some very delicious & delightful conversation.
The subject of numerology came up in one of those conversations. So I decided to look up what numbers were significant to my Life as well. I had a numerology report done on me a while back & decided to look back to it. So far everything seems to be relevant. Being ever more curious I decided to delve deeper & do more research into the properties of numerology. I eventually came across a lil tid bit about Master Numbers:
One of the most fascinating and least understood aspects of Numerology has to do with the Master numbers. There are three Master numbers — they are 11, 22 and 33.
Interesting. My bday is on the 22nd…
The 22 is the most powerful of all numbers. It is often called “the Master Builder.” The 22 can turn the most ambitious of dreams into reality. It is potentially the most successful of all numbers. It has many of the inspirational insights of the 11, combined with the practicality and methodical nature of the 4. It is unlimited, yet disciplined. It sees the archetype, and brings it down to earth in some material form. It has big ideas, great plans, idealism, leadership and enormous self-confidence. If not practical, 22s can waste their potential. Like the 11, the 22 can easily shrink from its own ambition, causing difficult interior pressures. Both the 11 and the 22 experience the pressure-cooker effect very strongly, particularly at an early age. It must work toward the realization of goals that are larger than personal ambition. The 22 serves the world in a practical way.
I can definitely identify with pressure cooker thing. As far as the self-confidence bit, it’s been growing again recently. Not going to lie, sometimes it feels like borderline arrogance. Had to verbally put several people in their place this past week. Respectful, but decidedly firm. Haven’t been this forward in a while—circumstances can indeed change a man.
Together, the three Master numbers represent a triangle of enlightenment:
The number 11 represents the vision.
The number 22 combines vision with action.
The number 33 offers guidance to the world.
Interesting. Again, I decided to look back on that numerology report from before.
After last year’s constant involvement with yourself and very possible occasional doubts about the state of your business or career you will find this year to be a relief. Things finally work out. Long postponed checks and promotions come through. You see the light at the end of your financial tunnel and an inner strength and confidence is breaking through. This is your year of harvest and, depending upon the effort you put out in the past seven years , your reward will be equally large.
Damn. So far everything seems to be relevant. And I’ve worked my ass off. Time for harvest eh? Indeed it is. I’ve deprived myself of much for the sake of a more bountiful harvest. Inner strength & confidence? Stripes will show for sure. I’ve hidden in the shadows for a while now. Inner light seems to be making that almost impossible these days…
The number 22 combines vision with action.
Damn right I do…
…and on that note I’ll sign this post off. I need some air—and a fucking drink.
#numbers
Sunday Check-In
Incredible dance rehearsal last night. One of the best in a while. Modern & tap are showing their effects. Everyone is growing. New talented members too. Tap dancer/locker & another young popper. New projects soon. New promos. Video shoot later today.
Greeeeat time last night too. Haven’t drank like that in a while. Still an expensive drunk though. Had a lot of fun. Met some dope ass ppl.
Stumbled upon another musical gold mine. Crazy. Once I build some steam I usually find a few dozen awesome jams. Blog will soon be decorated with many good tunes.
Slightly hung over. Need a fresh squeezed juice or smoothie. Mebbe beach meditation &/or yoga too.
Finish line in sight. Need to finish compliance modules for Scripps Hospital. Might need to disappear & regroup for this last sprint.
Been having trouble sleeping again too. Picked up something recently. Not sure what’s going on. Appetite is fucked. Restless. Terrible dreams. Spiritual threat system is up. Causing undue fatigue. Need to diagnose issue. Need to cleanse asap.
My days are full of effort. Full of effort regarding things that truly matter to me. Soon I’ll be able to fill it with other things. Weather looks mighty fine today. So does my immediate future. Can’t wait to see what happens next.
Signing out.
Espérer…
Espérer…
…literally translated it means “to hope” in French.
If there is anything that I ever seem to have an endless supply of—it’s hope. It’s brought me from the depths of my greatest struggles. And it currently powers me through my days. Though many positive things are flying my way right now, it’s still quite the juggling act.
Man, you seriously look exhausted…
Heh. Wow, that bad huh? I had no idea it was becoming that visible. My days have been endlessly long lately. It’s okay though. I’m chasing my dreams. If my dreams don’t deserve this much effort, then what does? Who does? Besides. I feel myself gaining momentum. I’m about to get stronger soon. I feel a sudden surge is just around the corner. I just need to keep pushing…
I see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s been brighter than it’s ever been. I’ll keep my foot on the gas. It’s the only option I have. It will all pay off very soon. In fact, it already has begun to.
Got quite the remainder of the month ahead of me. And probably an even more crucial month of May in store. Everything I had felt in my gut is manifesting. My hopes are becoming reality. I’m so caught up in the motion of everything that I haven’t had a moment to really soak it all in. I’m sure it will all hit me like a freight train once I have a moment to settle down a bit.
My Life is full of many moving parts. About to get fully hospital I.V. certified next week. Got my official start date at the downtown hospital in a few weeks. Body Poets video shoot on Sunday. Two brand new private dance lesson clients. And now a possible casting call for a video/trailer…
…Life sure is interesting.
J’espére peindre ma vie avec les couleurs du monde.
Velvet Shifts
I compounded my first topical medication yesterday. I finally have TPN (total parenteral nutrition) I.V. prep down. And I have my second on-site CPR certification today after class. I have my first interview on Monday. As far as I’m concerned, I have this hospital thing on lock.
In addition, I have tap class tomorrow. I’ll also be revamping the structure of my own dance class with some colleagues, and perhaps will be going over some things with the studio coordinator later as well.
And lastly, I have an appointment later tonight. I’ve been asked to exhibit & utilize my innate knowledge & skills to give therapy to the body, subconscious mind, & spiritual body of an old dear friend of mine. Healing of an alternate nature. It should be an enlightening experience for both of us.
Looking at only the next few days, one can determine a lot about me as a person—I do not live a boring Life. I’m not stuck in an office. I’m not endeavoring toward a career I will hate. I’m not trapped by attachments to shitty people. Nor am I embroiled in any type of needless endeavor that is sucking my energy for no reason. I am a tireless engine on rails toward majestic freedom. And it’s all fueled by a unique desire to capture as much cosmic reality as I can into this speck of time that encapsulates my Life.
I’ve had many interactions with a cornucopia of individuals. I’ve also been subject to a number of varying experiences. And while it all may be intense to some individuals, I for one relish the rich decadence of it all. No matter what it is. As long as it’s real & is drenched with truth, then I’ll be showing off a toothy grin.
As I said I’ve been having an increased number of beautiful interactions of late. One of them I consider as one of many dear sisters. I told her all that is going on & how I’ve been feeling this expansive shift in my Life—both internally & externally. I also expressed that I feel like an animal. Just like how an animal can sense earthquakes, changes in weather, & the auras/energies of other things around them, I too have felt more plugged in. Feels quite animalistic considering how finely I can sense this cosmic shift in everything. It’s filtering in what is authentic & necessary & sifting out what is not. And all the while this intensity is building oh so deliciously. It’s like my conscious experience is wrapping everything in my Life in this velvet sheet of sheer & divine Truth. It’s all quite luscious I must say.
She asked asked me what all this shifting/filtering has meant for me. It took me a moment to comprise my words:
It means my life is about to transform into this surging & pulsating continuum of intense engagement with the ever present moment, with each instance dripping with nothing but authentic reality. No delusions. No tricks. No smoke & mirrors. Everything is real. It’s all becoming just intense, succulent, pure & passionate living.
Fuck. Fucking fuckity fuck. I’m goddamn excited. My other friend said it was as though the vibes I’m experiencing are creating this magnetic vortex of energy that is attracting all these things into my Life (and perhaps even repulsing everything else). The divine manifestation of pure creative energy. It will all perpetuate itself soon…
…but for now, back to my notes. I have about a couple hours left to ingest all the remaining info. Healthcare. Dance. Spiritual attunement. I gotta admit, as taxing as all this is, it’s all super fucking exciting. And damn. I can’t wait to wrap it all up in those sheets of velvety divine reality.
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PS: Much needed study break. But I’m beginning to sense another shift in the not so far future. Something tells me it could possibly be of a slightly more….amorous nature? I can only imagine the things that will manifest once all this passion & energy I have start surging in that type of direction.But whatever—who the fuck really knows? I could just be delusional from all the studying. It could all be in my head. But then again I’ve been pretty accurate so far. I just need to remind myself to stay present & remain as authentic as possible…I mean schitt, I could die in a car accident tomorrow. Must remain present.
I have much more to write in the coming days. Much more to document. Life’s a trip like that.
